I debated blogging this, but I can't get it out of my head and I'm the type of person who, if they don't have an outlet of some kind, will have a bit of an explosion and who knows when or where it would hit. Before I go any further I just want to put in a disclaimer: I love being a teacher and a coach and working with youth. It is crazy hard, hardly ever fulfilling but I have enjoyed it. This post is a brutally honest one. I open up a lot more than I ever do because I feel like it may help me in some way. Please don't criticize my vulnerability or my low place.
That being said the past few weeks have been heart wrenching for me. In my hometown, good old Galesburg, IL school was delayed a few weeks because the teachers were on strike. They felt their needs were not being met and they stood up for themselves. That is admirable. I know how heartwrenching it was for many of them, because education is their life. But when do you put your foot down, say enough is enough, and stop people from walking all over you? That whole situation (even though I was across the country from it) shook me up more than I wanted to admit.
A few other things happened. I was approached about coaching tennis. This was a huge shock for me because, well, I know absolutely NADA, nothing, zilch about this sport and here I was being asked to be in charge of it. The clinching words for me were "If you don't do it we will probably have to cancel the program" That I couldn't take. I couldn't handle the thought of someone not being able to participate in something they wanted to do because no one was there to run in. They said that they would rather have a positive influence, than nobody at all. So...the sucker that I am, I said yes. Thankfully they found someone who actually knew the sport and hired him as the head coach. They still asked me to be assistant coach and I was hesitant to take it on (part of me wanted the challenge, another part was lazy and didn't want to do it) Well the challenge part won, especially when they told me they just wanted me to basically be the liaison between the head coach and school. Ok, I can do that. It is really hard. I won't sugar coat it. I am trying to make it fun and enjoyable but some days I just want a huge hug because it is hard working with someone who knows the sport but has never coached before. It is hard going from a competitive team sport (like basketball) to a maybe competitive but we just want everybody to have fun and want to play again sport. It is hard for me to think of someone who is older than me as a peer, a colleague. I struggle with that.
And then I'm sitting in a faculty meeting and we are being bombarded (which isn't unusual for the first part of school) with all of these things that we need to be doing this year. My school is getting accredited this year which amps up the need for paperwork and keeping track of data...all the things, in a perfect world, we should be doing already. And then it was mentioned again how sometime down the road it will all be performance based pay, and we have to get a physical for insurance otherwise they will take money from our pay check, and we have a different kind of insurance which is called high deductible which for someone who has her own team of medical specialists means I am paying a lot more money than I feel comfortable thinking about, and, and, and... I was feeling smothered by all of these red tape things. All of these new laws. All of these hoops that we have to jump through. All of these things that feels like busy work to add onto teaching the youth of tomorrow, grading their papers, evaluating what they've learned, trying to reteach them, dealing with the hormones and emotions, supporting their hopes and dreams while still trying to guide them and help them to become useful citizens of the United States. Teaching them life skills and how to respect each other...Long story short if I was the type of person who had panic attacks...I probably would have one every day.
I seriously thought during that faculty meeting "That's it. I'm done. I can't do this anymore."
I'm not happy. And I don't know if it is my career, if it is just because it's the start of school and I'm still not in the swing of things, if I just need a change of scenery, if it's because I'm not where I want to be in other aspects of my life (i.e. Married with kids or getting ready to have kids, and having someone there to just hold you when life sucks or to atleast hold your hand through the crap) I don't know. It kills me that I can't say that I am even content.
And then comes the other voice in my head..."Stick it out Nat. You have health issues. You made a commitment. You need this job to survive in life. You need the health insurance (even though it is not ideal) You are just being lazy. Grow up and live with it. Do what you gotta do. Your parents did that to provide for you and all of your siblings. You are just one person, no problem. Deal with it."
So I started thinking about the Galesburg teachers. When was enough enough for them?
I've thought about my family. Many of them are the type to just "Deal with it." Whatever the IT may be. Some of them have pulled through it and are in a way better place and it worked. Some of them I've witnessed talk themselves into happiness or a place of limbo.
We put others before us because we know we can "Deal with it" or handle the crappy situation while making life easier for everyone else.
I do it in relationships. My past one I did everything I could to make the other person happy which in my brain translated to "whatever they want." I am slowly learning that I am allowed to have what I want. I'm allowed a bit of my own happiness even if it is inconvenient to someone else. And even though I feel so selfish sometimes when I think that I have to remind myself that I am a Daughter of God and a amazing woman. I DESERVE to be happy.
----Example: I just bought a new car. One that I wanted. I test drove a bunch and did not like one of the salesmen but I loved the car. After some great advice, I went back, asked for a new salesmen, and ended up finding a great deal (exactly what I wanted) for an even better version of the car I wanted. It was awesome. It was liberating. It was a rush to be firm and be happy with the choice and stand up for yourself.
That being said, I'm stuck. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if I do need a career change. I have played with so many possibilities and thoughts. I don't know what to do. When do I say enough is enough?
I love teaching and coaching. I love working with youth. I hate how under appreciated it all seems. I hate how unsatisfied I am. I hate that I feel like I am not giving 110% because I don't know if it's even worth it. I hate letting people down.
I've played with a lot of different other career choices: National Geographic Photographer (dream job) some kind of nurse, emt, Peace Corps, Travel Agent, Tour guide, CIA.
I don't know if the emptiness is coming from the void in my life that should be my own family or if it is something else. When I am honest, I do know that these feelings from work would 80-90% still exist if I was married. So I don't think my social life is a huge factor in this instance.
I am smiley and happy. I am trying to figure this all out. It doesn't mean I am miserable all the time. There are just those low points. Maybe it is some level of depression. Maybe I'm just exhausted and didn't know what else to do tonight.
Either way,
Life is hard. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I know that He loves me and is so aware of me and my situation in life and what I'm going through. I just wish...well a lot of things. But right now....I wouldn't mind feeling happy or content for longer than 12 hours. That's not too much to ask, is it?
Again I apologize for the openness and candidness. I even thought about applying for the Bachelor because I have no idea what else to do or where to go from here HAHA. I'm using this as a therapy tool. I'm not sure how long I'll even have this post public. Please do not look at me with sympathy. I am fine. Struggling. But fine. And needed this storm brewing inside to be released.
Wednesday, September 10
Monday, July 28
City of Joseph, City Beautiful
After Costa Rica I went straight to Kansas City and spent basically 2 wonderful weeks with my sister and her family. I loved it. But I'm not going to write about that. I'm going to write about what I did this past weekend.
First! Background Info: When I was 3 months old, I was in a musical. My family had participated in an outdoor musical in Nauvoo called The City of Joseph in 1987 and then again in 1988. They even made the program picture for a while. See:
But there were a lot of different things that came up, and depending on who you talk to in my family there are a few reasons why we didn't go back and do it again. But that doesn't mean it wasn't a part of our lives. We would go down and watch it and then in 1997 my sister Megan said that for her 16th birthday she wanted to be in it again. So we applied and in 1998 my family was back in!
I was 10 that year and was just ready to be social and experience this dream of being a part of City of Joseph. We were in it every year since then until it ended in 2004. Every summer for 2 weeks we would take our bus--Yeah, it was a real bus. A 1952 that someone had converted to an RV and basically gave it to Pop--So we would take it and a few tents and make our little compound where we lived for the hottest 2 weeks of the year. We would practice and practice and perform in front of thousands of people.
A lot of things happened during those 2 weeks that made an impact in my life. I made lifelong friends. I found my testimony in Joseph Smith. I remember sitting back behind stage during Oh My Father and again a few years later during the Temple Scene. They had a temple prop that would light up...it was so powerful to me. There was no doubt in my mind that this is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church on this earth. Other things that happened in my life...I grew up. The 10 year old me was different than the 16 year old me. But the "City of Joseph" kept me going. I learned a lot of new card games. I got my first kiss. I had the chance to be a missionary and share the gospel with others not only by talking with them, but performing and singing. I served others and had the importance of service reiterated in my mind. I got to truly be a part of Nauvoo. I became a better me.
This weekend we had a City of Joseph Reunion. It was 10 years since the last year we performed. A lot had changed...but the feeling of Nauvoo, the spirit of Nauvoo never will.
I was reminded of how special it really was. How much we really grew together. How people from all over the states and even a few from other countries could come together with one purpose and put something together in 5 days that was so unforgettable and special that it touched hearts and changed lives. How grateful I am for the opportunity. (I remember people giving me a hard time because that's all that I seemed to be able to talk about with my friends. That was the big thing my family did every year. And only those who lived it truly 100% get it.) How much I wish so many people could have that experience as well. I could write books and books about that experience. The history behind it, the amazing spiritual experiences so many individuals had, that miracles that took place, my own story, etc. Needless to say, it's a chapter in my life.
I love Nauvoo, Illinois. It really is part of who I am and I feel a connection to it. I don't have any pioneer ancestors that lived there. But through the City of Joseph I became one of those pioneers. It touched my life and it will always be a part of me. It is so hard for me to put into words exactly how I feel. Just trust me when I say that to me, it's a big deal :)
http://youtu.be/uls-RVEtP7c
The "City of Joseph" is no longer running. But there is a pageant still in Nauvoo. It's not the same. But it is working toward the same goal. Bringing people and inviting others to come unto Christ. I'm grateful we got to be a part of something that has helped build and strengthen Nauvoo and the community around it. Nauvoo is what it is today in part because of City of Joseph. And when a hot day comes in the summer time where you just want to hole up in AC...I can't think of a place I'd rather be than on that bend in the river.
First! Background Info: When I was 3 months old, I was in a musical. My family had participated in an outdoor musical in Nauvoo called The City of Joseph in 1987 and then again in 1988. They even made the program picture for a while. See:
But there were a lot of different things that came up, and depending on who you talk to in my family there are a few reasons why we didn't go back and do it again. But that doesn't mean it wasn't a part of our lives. We would go down and watch it and then in 1997 my sister Megan said that for her 16th birthday she wanted to be in it again. So we applied and in 1998 my family was back in!
I was 10 that year and was just ready to be social and experience this dream of being a part of City of Joseph. We were in it every year since then until it ended in 2004. Every summer for 2 weeks we would take our bus--Yeah, it was a real bus. A 1952 that someone had converted to an RV and basically gave it to Pop--So we would take it and a few tents and make our little compound where we lived for the hottest 2 weeks of the year. We would practice and practice and perform in front of thousands of people.
A lot of things happened during those 2 weeks that made an impact in my life. I made lifelong friends. I found my testimony in Joseph Smith. I remember sitting back behind stage during Oh My Father and again a few years later during the Temple Scene. They had a temple prop that would light up...it was so powerful to me. There was no doubt in my mind that this is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church on this earth. Other things that happened in my life...I grew up. The 10 year old me was different than the 16 year old me. But the "City of Joseph" kept me going. I learned a lot of new card games. I got my first kiss. I had the chance to be a missionary and share the gospel with others not only by talking with them, but performing and singing. I served others and had the importance of service reiterated in my mind. I got to truly be a part of Nauvoo. I became a better me.
This weekend we had a City of Joseph Reunion. It was 10 years since the last year we performed. A lot had changed...but the feeling of Nauvoo, the spirit of Nauvoo never will.
I was reminded of how special it really was. How much we really grew together. How people from all over the states and even a few from other countries could come together with one purpose and put something together in 5 days that was so unforgettable and special that it touched hearts and changed lives. How grateful I am for the opportunity. (I remember people giving me a hard time because that's all that I seemed to be able to talk about with my friends. That was the big thing my family did every year. And only those who lived it truly 100% get it.) How much I wish so many people could have that experience as well. I could write books and books about that experience. The history behind it, the amazing spiritual experiences so many individuals had, that miracles that took place, my own story, etc. Needless to say, it's a chapter in my life.
I love Nauvoo, Illinois. It really is part of who I am and I feel a connection to it. I don't have any pioneer ancestors that lived there. But through the City of Joseph I became one of those pioneers. It touched my life and it will always be a part of me. It is so hard for me to put into words exactly how I feel. Just trust me when I say that to me, it's a big deal :)
http://youtu.be/uls-RVEtP7c
The "City of Joseph" is no longer running. But there is a pageant still in Nauvoo. It's not the same. But it is working toward the same goal. Bringing people and inviting others to come unto Christ. I'm grateful we got to be a part of something that has helped build and strengthen Nauvoo and the community around it. Nauvoo is what it is today in part because of City of Joseph. And when a hot day comes in the summer time where you just want to hole up in AC...I can't think of a place I'd rather be than on that bend in the river.
Friday, July 11
Costa Rica Adventure Day 12- So long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye
The time has come for us to say goodbye to Gatitos and all of the amazing wonderful people, and the spirit that was there. It didn't help that it was a pretty dreary day...Even the sky was sad to see us go. :)
We played a lot. Mom taught a few of them the dot game and I just wandered basically playing between a few of them. Mayela doesn't usually come in on Fridays but she came in today and pulled me into her office. She explained that they were going to get us a jar with a picture of us and the kids...but it didn't work. And then they were going to print off a calendar but they ran out of ink. I told them not to worry about it but then she gave me the best gift. She explained how grateful she was that we had come. She has been running Daycares for 25 years and nobody offered to help until now. The kids are in school (this is like Winter for Costa Rica) So that past 2 weeks they have been on their winter break. This break has been a very unique experience for the kids. We've brought a new culture to them and introduced them to a lot. They have learned so much and we have learned so much from them. She told me that she can see a difference in the kids with having us around. And their parents are happy and content with us coming. They sent their thanks with her about what we did for their kids over these past 2 weeks. I'm grateful to her for sharing that with me. We were only here for 2 weeks and I doubt the kids will remember us if at all...But just like being a teacher, for that short amount of time we did what we could to help their lives to be a little bit better. And I don't regret it at all.
Mayela and her daughter both cried. As we were leaving one of the older girls told her little sister she was coming to the US with us...and even walked us to the best stop. Her little sister was bawling her eyes out. Poor kid (but the sister in me laughed a lot...I'm a jerk lol)
I'm sad to leave the kids. But I'm excited for how the volunteers will help them and hopefully they will help them have a better life in the future and success in their lives.
And they are going to miss Mi Mama.
We played a lot. Mom taught a few of them the dot game and I just wandered basically playing between a few of them. Mayela doesn't usually come in on Fridays but she came in today and pulled me into her office. She explained that they were going to get us a jar with a picture of us and the kids...but it didn't work. And then they were going to print off a calendar but they ran out of ink. I told them not to worry about it but then she gave me the best gift. She explained how grateful she was that we had come. She has been running Daycares for 25 years and nobody offered to help until now. The kids are in school (this is like Winter for Costa Rica) So that past 2 weeks they have been on their winter break. This break has been a very unique experience for the kids. We've brought a new culture to them and introduced them to a lot. They have learned so much and we have learned so much from them. She told me that she can see a difference in the kids with having us around. And their parents are happy and content with us coming. They sent their thanks with her about what we did for their kids over these past 2 weeks. I'm grateful to her for sharing that with me. We were only here for 2 weeks and I doubt the kids will remember us if at all...But just like being a teacher, for that short amount of time we did what we could to help their lives to be a little bit better. And I don't regret it at all.
Mayela and her daughter both cried. As we were leaving one of the older girls told her little sister she was coming to the US with us...and even walked us to the best stop. Her little sister was bawling her eyes out. Poor kid (but the sister in me laughed a lot...I'm a jerk lol)
I'm sad to leave the kids. But I'm excited for how the volunteers will help them and hopefully they will help them have a better life in the future and success in their lives.
And they are going to miss Mi Mama.
Thursday, July 10
Costa Rica Adventure Day 11- Bits and Pieces
Today was a pretty calm day compared to the rest of the week. Not too many were there. I played Monopoly with a group of the older kids for a while. Thank goodness I grew up with nieces and nephews around because there was a younger one who they wouldn't let play so it wasn't even a question to put him on my "team" to help me out.
I had a funny conversation with one of the girls today. She's 9 and in 3rd grade. We talked a little bit out what school is like in Costa Rica and what school is like in the US and then she asked the bombshell question....
Rose: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Nope I don't
R: Why not?
M: Good question...well because I'm in Costa Rica.
R: But when you get back to Costa Rica...You can get one.
M: We'll see...(fading off hoping that would end the conversation)
R: Do you have a friend that is a boy?
M: (Not sure where she is going with this)...I have a lot of friends
R: Well when you get back ask one of them to be your boyfriend. (In the most matter of fact tone a 9 year old can have)
M: Haha ok. I'll see what I can do.
R:...but he's got to be cute
M: Of course.
Oh to be 9 again and have it be that easy to get a boyfriend and get fake married Haha....Now all anybody wants to do is hangout and not put time and effort into girls...ay ay ay :)
One thing that I love is the way that Mayela and her daughter say my name. They don't say Natalie...They call me Natty with an emphasis on the A....I love it!
We all sang today and we kind of let Kerry and Andrew take over for a while so they can get used to it. I'm going to miss so many of these kids. Tomorrow will be very interesting. One of the older ones came up to me and said she was sad because I was leaving. I told her don't even worry about it because after us come more and more y mas y mas y mas y mas...and she said "Yeah, but they won't be like you."
I'm still sticking to my guns that no, they won't be like us and do the exact same as we do, but they are going to be a great help and open these kids worlds up even more.
Kerry told me today that she is so happy she got placed at Gatitos because apparently at some of the orphanages they have some strict rules and aren't allowed to really touch or love on the kids. I'm grateful Gatitos is different. I had to do that for 18 months where we couldn't hold the cute little ones...It would be hard. Especially here when you know so many of them just need a little more love/attention.
So many of these little kids are still so innocent and have a very distinct definition of right and wrong. It's interesting to see some that don't have that anymore. It makes you wonder what happened along the way for their's to change or for them to lose it...That whole nature vs. nurture argument again.
Afterwards we took the bus straight downtown and went to the National Museum. It was in this old fort and was pretty cool. They had a lot of informative things and of course a butterfly aviary too. But no Monarchs this time. Then we walked through the market. It was interesting seeing the different artisans and finding the unique ones that you can tell is what they do. We found this cute old man who does different things with Bamboo. He paints them and uses it and seeds to make mobiles. He also had some paintings on canvas that he did. It was pretty cool.
I may have to go back and get a key chain or something that he painted.
We walked around some more and I took a whole lot more pictures. I liked letting go and not worrying about our safety and things being stolen for a while. It really does calm me. I wonder how I can use that as more of a hobby. Anybody want to pay me to go random place and take pictures for them Lol :)
I had a funny conversation with one of the girls today. She's 9 and in 3rd grade. We talked a little bit out what school is like in Costa Rica and what school is like in the US and then she asked the bombshell question....
Rose: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Nope I don't
R: Why not?
M: Good question...well because I'm in Costa Rica.
R: But when you get back to Costa Rica...You can get one.
M: We'll see...(fading off hoping that would end the conversation)
R: Do you have a friend that is a boy?
M: (Not sure where she is going with this)...I have a lot of friends
R: Well when you get back ask one of them to be your boyfriend. (In the most matter of fact tone a 9 year old can have)
M: Haha ok. I'll see what I can do.
R:...but he's got to be cute
M: Of course.
Oh to be 9 again and have it be that easy to get a boyfriend and get fake married Haha....Now all anybody wants to do is hangout and not put time and effort into girls...ay ay ay :)
One thing that I love is the way that Mayela and her daughter say my name. They don't say Natalie...They call me Natty with an emphasis on the A....I love it!
We all sang today and we kind of let Kerry and Andrew take over for a while so they can get used to it. I'm going to miss so many of these kids. Tomorrow will be very interesting. One of the older ones came up to me and said she was sad because I was leaving. I told her don't even worry about it because after us come more and more y mas y mas y mas y mas...and she said "Yeah, but they won't be like you."
I'm still sticking to my guns that no, they won't be like us and do the exact same as we do, but they are going to be a great help and open these kids worlds up even more.
Kerry told me today that she is so happy she got placed at Gatitos because apparently at some of the orphanages they have some strict rules and aren't allowed to really touch or love on the kids. I'm grateful Gatitos is different. I had to do that for 18 months where we couldn't hold the cute little ones...It would be hard. Especially here when you know so many of them just need a little more love/attention.
So many of these little kids are still so innocent and have a very distinct definition of right and wrong. It's interesting to see some that don't have that anymore. It makes you wonder what happened along the way for their's to change or for them to lose it...That whole nature vs. nurture argument again.
Afterwards we took the bus straight downtown and went to the National Museum. It was in this old fort and was pretty cool. They had a lot of informative things and of course a butterfly aviary too. But no Monarchs this time. Then we walked through the market. It was interesting seeing the different artisans and finding the unique ones that you can tell is what they do. We found this cute old man who does different things with Bamboo. He paints them and uses it and seeds to make mobiles. He also had some paintings on canvas that he did. It was pretty cool.
I may have to go back and get a key chain or something that he painted.
We walked around some more and I took a whole lot more pictures. I liked letting go and not worrying about our safety and things being stolen for a while. It really does calm me. I wonder how I can use that as more of a hobby. Anybody want to pay me to go random place and take pictures for them Lol :)
Wednesday, July 9
Costa Rica Adventure Day 10-Mornings are not my friend
Last night the Costa Rica futbol team came home. This is what they came back to:
They had a parade when they got into San Jose from the airport to a plaza a little ways away. Normally it would take someone about 20 minutes to travel it...it took the team 5 hours. And they were presented with awards and had a huge reception. Most of the important players got to speak. The crowd wouldn't let Pinto, the Colombian manager/coach say anything for a good 5 minutes because they were cheering so much for him. It was amazing to me how this country was really brought together and they could celebrate something like that. I have no idea what it would take for the US to come together as the Ticos did last night.
Meanwhile...Mom and I were able to go to a Relief Society activity in Costa Rica. It still makes me smile how the same Spirit and the same Home feeling is there even when you are in a different country. There is a lot of feelings of familiarity that comes with all the activities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and it helps you feel a part of something. Even if you have no idea what is going on. The activity was making flowers out of old Egg cartons. Mom made one to take home with her. Hopefully it'll be dry by then.
Meanwhile...Mom and I were able to go to a Relief Society activity in Costa Rica. It still makes me smile how the same Spirit and the same Home feeling is there even when you are in a different country. There is a lot of feelings of familiarity that comes with all the activities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and it helps you feel a part of something. Even if you have no idea what is going on. The activity was making flowers out of old Egg cartons. Mom made one to take home with her. Hopefully it'll be dry by then.
On our walk there I snapped a couple of shots of the sunset. It was amazing and breathtaking. We stayed for a little bit then went back to Lily's.
This morning we left the house at 6:30. I'm not a very...friendly person in the mornings so it was probably not a fun commute for Mom haha. I never have been the usually wakes up bright eyed and ready to go. We got to Gatitos and no one was there yet. We only had to wait 5-10 minutes before Andrea showed up. We helped set up and then pulled out the Origami book that we found the other day. I am now a pro at making Penguins and those fortune things
Mom rocked the fish and frogs. It was a calm activity as the kids came in. And we did it for a good amount of time. Later on the other volunteers came. We all had singing time together, where Andrew introduced "Baby Shark" and then Mom and I took off.
I didn't get as many snuggles as I usually did but I also didn't really play as much with them as before. What stood out to me today was how demanding some of those kids are. The idea of being patient and waiting for me to finish what I'm doing before I can focus on them and what they want, doesn't seem to even exist for them. I made a girl cry today because I told her she had to wait her turn...I'm a horrible person. :P
Mayela and her daughter asked me to pass along some info to the others. And then they made a joke about how I was the supervisor/boss. And it made me realize how hard it'll be to work with volunteers if you are used to routine. Not everyone will be the same and do the same things. I hope the future ones will continue the singing. I know the next 2 will. Solo Dios sabe. Mom and I do make a pretty good team. We've had the experience and the voice to handle 64 kids but I am grateful that I don't do it everyday. It may speed up those 5-10 years that I've got ahead of me.
We have to go in early for 2 more days and then we're done. I can do it! Si se puede :)
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