Life is Funny Sometimes.

Important things to know about me:

1. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (Aka I'm Mormon)
2. I am the 6th of 7 kids (the sparkling personality and favorite of the family :)
3. I was born and raised in Rural Illinois (This is important to note because it reflects a lot in who I am as a person)
4. As I got older, things began to change. (Probably the biggest understatement of all the things)
5. In a lesson as a young woman we had to write down where we saw ourselves in 5 years and then 10 years....I wrote: In 10 years, when I'm 25, I would be married with 1-2 kids and another on the way. (I was basically planning on being a baby making machine) Another example: Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my instant thought was always "a stay at home mom with at least 6 kids." 
6. I love playing with kids. I will find any excuse to win little kids over so they will let me play with them. I am able to connect with them in ways that I can't  always with others. I became an aunt when I was 10 and love playing and taking care of my siblings' children. (And helping them be good humans) which lends itself to how I have constantly been told over and over how great I am with kids, and I have taken pride in it and, in the past, defined myself by that quality.
7. I love men. (Just to clarify.)
8. I'm a planner and had my life mapped out so it made sense. Example: I was always into guys that were 2 years older than me, so I could write them on their mission and then they would come home and we'd get married.
9. I am a huge romantic...to the point that whenever I watched Disney movies or any movies with romance, I would always fantasize about my love life turning out the way depicted in the movie and I would live happily ever after with the love of my life and my best friend. (There are quite a few on screen kisses that I definitely want to try in real life)
10. My main goals for this life: Be the amazing wife and mother I know I can and will be, and become the woman that Heavenly Father wants me to be. 
11. I have a few medical issues. (These are important to note because of how they have shaped me as a human and Child of God.)

The final thing to know: my life never has, and probably never will, worked out the way I envision or the way I plan it. Ever.

The last thing should be no surprise. I mean, I wouldn't be writing for this project and you wouldn't be reading it if I hadn’t had to pass through hard things.

An acquaintance from Illinois has a blog where she shares peoples storied of finding joy through the journey of life.  Especially when life doesn’t work out the way I want. She reached out to me a long time ago, asking if I would be willing to share my story. I am a teacher, a coach, and in grad school, so that was my excuse for not doing it at the time.   I also didn’t want this to be another woman talking about how she just wants to be a mom and then poof gets pregnant so their patience has paid off and everything has resolved itself.   ***Spoiler alert, I’m still single***

So here we go, hold on to your hats because it's going to be a bumpy ride. I give you: The life and adventures of Natalie Brady, trying to find happiness and joy while feeling so incomplete.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, for as long as I can remember, all I've wanted to do in life is be a wife and a mother. It just made sense to me and the thought of doing anything else never tempted or appealed to me. I've wanted to be sealed in the temple and have an eternal family, be a stay at home mom and thus fulfill my purpose in this life (or so I thought). 

I worked hard in high school so I could get good grades and test scores to make it into BYU (the "factory" where those outside of Utah assume everyone goes and maybe gets a degree, but most definitely gets a spouse). I’ve always struggled with some self-esteem issues. There weren't any guys that I went to school with that really ever showed interest in me. It was to the point that I decided I had an invisible message written on my forehead that said "Don't even think about it fellas, she is not worth your time or your effort." (Yes, I know how unhealthy that was, and no, I no longer feel that way). So being well aware of all my flaws, and unable to recognize or acknowledge my amazing qualities, I got accepted to BYU and headed out to the "factory". 

Freshman year was amazing. I was fortunately blessed with a group of long lasting friends that helped me grow and showed me I could be loved for being me. Most of the guys I grew close to were slowly leaving on missions and they became great friends and pen pals. They were my age though. Remember #8 from my list?  I was living it, I was writing a missionary who was 2 years older than me. We had known each other since I was 10? 11? We saw each other every summer for 2 weeks. We could talk on the phone for hours on end (he mostly talked, I listened).  AND he was my first kiss, so the romantic side of me was in love with the story, the coincidences, the timeline.  I could picture telling our kids how it all worked out and how awesome love was.  

He got home from his mission, we met up, decided to try dating and both headed back to school.  I was in my 2nd year at BYU. He was going to BYU-Idaho. So we did the long distance thing. Things were great. I thought my plan was working perfectly. I was set.  I was happy. No need to bring Heavenly Father into it because it was all working out and I didn't want to bother him while He had more important issues to worry about, like world hunger, rumors of wars, all that…

November of that year, my fantasy and perfect plan crumbled into tiny pieces.  **Point to Heavenly Father**

I was then facing my first trial of heart break.  I was having to come to terms with how this really good thing, that I’ve been promised and encouraged to pursue, was not working out.  How did I deal?  I clung to my friends and went to the temple all the time.  That was a hard jolt.  But I overcame it.  I decided to roll with it, get strength from the temple and see what happens next.  Time went on, I had some flings, made some memories, “decorated” some mustangs, and slowly started to realize maybe I needed to involve Heavenly Father a little bit more, but I still thought my issues paled in comparison to everything else going on in the world.  

I stayed in Utah that summer, and had probably the most perfect summer.  Sure I had some crushes and they didn't pan out, which hit my self-esteem again.  But the memories and adventures of that summer were perfect.  

I was never one of those girls that were determined to serve a mission.  Because Plan A was ALWAYS get married and become a mom.  But I had always said that if I was single with no prospects, I was healthy enough and capable (#11), and it felt right, I would go.  Well my answer came during an October General Conference, the doctor cleared me, and my papers were in.  Mission was not a part of my plan but it happened. **Another point to Heavenly Father**

How did I deal?  I went on a mission and grew in ways I never knew possible, and made long lasting connections with amazing humans that continue to bless my life daily.

So I serve a mission, come home and rearrange my plan a little.   Now I was an RM.  Now, I had another thing on my resume for why I’m a good catch.  So it was definitely going to fall into place now.  I would finish up school and get married.  Perfect.   OF COURSE NOT.  Because that’s not how my life pans out.  How did I deal?  I worked hard, put myself out there, helped my friends figure their love lives out, celebrated, cried…basically I tried.

My last semester at BYU I was an intern at Timpview High School.  My career was falling into place and things were looking up.   And I met a cute boy.  This was it!  We clicked, we could talk for hours at a time, we instantly became dependent on each other,  it seemed like it was everything I had ever dreamed of, and more.  I was so happy.  And I was doing it!  I was graduating with a Bachelor’s Degree (only the 2nd in my family), I had served a full time mission (only the 2nd in my family), I had found a man who was worthy to get married in the temple who loved me and wanted to spend time with me, be with me, supported me in anything I wanted to do, love me unconditionally, and spend his life with me.  I loved his family, I loved the idea of our future family, it was good.

We dated for 20 months…and then, it ended.  

If I had thought my world had crumbled before, this time my world must’ve been put into a blender going at 250 mph.  Devastated is an understatement.  Thankfully it happened over the summer so I could recover(ish) before having to be a responsible adult and teacher.  This time around I did involve Heavenly Father.  I had prayed, countless times.  I went to the temple.  I went to the temple with him.  I had received my answer.  It was him.  Heavenly Father gave me the ok.  So I took the prompting and ran with it.  And then….nothing.  I was alone, again.  And this was the by far the lowest, hardest, most difficult point of my life.  EVER.  **Point to Free Agency, and at another level, point to Heavenly Father**

How did I deal?  I did everything I could think of.  I cried. A LOT.  I yelled at Heavenly Father, I wrote letters to my ex.  I ran away to my sister’s.  I went to the temple.  I tried to make sense of it all.  I moved.  I clung to my friends and depended on them to keep me grounded. I received countless blessings. I served.  I lived a day at a time.

Slowly but surely, the pieces of Natalie started to come back together.  This time stronger and better than ever.  One of the best things about that relationship was that I FINALLY felt loved for me.  I felt desired.  I felt self worth that I had never been able to feel before.  He gave me the present of seeing how amazing I really am.  I changed the way I viewed myself.  I changed the way I talked about myself.  But the most important thing of all….my relationship with my Father in Heaven changed.  

That was 4 years ago.  I am still single.  

I have come up against frustrating circumstances with my job.  Trying to find a new one and it never working out **Point to Heavenly Father** How did I deal?  I recognized that I have been able to accomplish so much at the school I am currently at and been given opportunities that have me the teacher and professional I am today.

My deepest desire is still to be a wife and mother.  The level of yearning in my heart is too great to explain in words.  I still am a romantic.  I still am me.  I still want a different job path, but I am working on it right now. I am a better version of me than before these trials.  I am one hell of a catch for one lucky man(Trust me, whoever he is will be counting his blessings forever.  Because I am amazing).  But it is so much more than that.

I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.  I KNOW He is personally aware of me and my life.  I am a teacher and a coach.  I am constantly working on becoming the best me I possibly can.  I get frustrated and impatient.  I am living life to the best of my ability.  I am putting myself out there.  I have quite a few stories about the dating world and dating in 2017 as something in their older 20s (I could probably write about 5 more posts on just that topic alone).  I have people in my life that help fill voids.  I have no plan anymore for the things in my life that I can't control.  I have hopes, goals, and desires for the future (both socially, physically, and professionally) but I have recognized that if things do not work out, it is for a reason, and I am more than ok with that.  I am excited for what it means is coming.

I know there is no easy button for the problems in life.  There is no switch to flip to make it all better. I know that getting married is not the all fix solution.  I know having kids is so much work.  There are days when I can’t help but think: Life would be so much easier if I just stayed single for forever.  But I don’t want that.  AT ALL.  I want it all.  I want the dirty diapers, the vomit, the late night feedings, the crying, the disagreements, the cuddles, the love, the holding while I cry, the watching tiny humans figure out life, the working together with a partner to survive life, the companionship of taking on adventures TOGETHER and creating memories and laughing with someone, and relying on each other for eternity.  I want the pain and the joy.  I want that opportunity to progress in ways I haven't been able to yet. And I don't doubt or question...I KNOW, I'm going to get it.  And that helps me hold on to my sanity.

How do I deal right now?  I trust Heavenly Father and live my life in the present.  Enjoying every opportunity that comes my way.  Learning and growing and building up my book of stories to share with all those that come into my life.  And the best part...

Even though life is hard and there is nothing that I want more than to have someone to hold me after a really long day...I couldn't be more content and am not worried at all about everything working out.  I trust and love Heavenly Father with all my heart.  As long as I keep doing my part, I know He's not going to forget me, or let me down.  I trust His timetable.  He's got me.

Which means I have more time to focus on helping others and being His instrument.  How cool is that?

Dear America

Hi America,

It's me.  I'm middle class, midwesterner, social studies teacher, diagnosed with not one but multiple chronic issues that have no cure and will impact me the rest of my life (including insurance wise), heterosexual, interacter with a diverse community, white, female, Mormon, non gun owner, come from a long lineage of people who have put their lives on the line to protect you, and probably a plethora of other classifications that society uses to put us all in little sections....Oh and I'm not conservative/Republican or liberal/Democrat...I'm an in-betweener.

Now America, I have kept to myself pretty much this entire election process.  Just because I know that with social media comes computer confidence and not a whole lot of open minded, civil, political discussions.  And now that it is all over, I am ready for a heart to heart.

To sum it up in one word, I am conflicted.

I am conflicted because I look at the man and the horrible, awful things that have come spewing out of his mouth.  You cannot tell me that it is liberal slander because HE SAID THEM.  As a teacher that struggles every single day to get my students to see what are not racist comments, what generalizations you cannot make about people, what words are just not acceptable to say because we are decent human beings, I cringe.  No more than that.  I convulse at the thought of what POSSIBLE example he will set for the youth (And adults) of our country.  He is setting a precedence that says it is ok to act certain ways.  Words validate actions whether or not he actually never did any of those things, he still spoke a lot of crap and that has a lot of weight attached to it.

But then I hear people say that they didn't vote for the man.  They voted for the platform.  The things he said he would accomplish.  (Besides building a wall...) The things that republicans believe in, and the things that hit closer to home.

I am conflicted as I look at the numbers.  He won by 6 ELECTORAL VOTES...He barely made it in.  That should be reassuring.  It wasn't a landslide.  It was a close race.  And you should not be disheartened.  But there is a number that is disheartening. The number of people who came out to vote.  From the way media(including social media) portrayed everything you would think that EVERYONE voted....But if this article is correct only 55.6% of registered voters actually voted. That's the lowest turnout since 2004!  People talk about progression...In order for a democratic government to work, the people need to participate.

Which leads me to another concern...

This concern is not meant to offend.  But I feel like I am watching a tantrum being thrown because someone didn't get their way.

Something I repeatedly tell my students:  You are only allowed to complain if you voted.  You are only allowed to state opinions if you have the facts that back up why you believe that way. When I got on social media today and saw riots and people burning the America Flag because they didn't agree with the outcome of the Democratic process, my heart broke.  Veterans Day is on Friday.  A day that hits close to my heart.  The thought of burning that symbol of democracy and freedoms,  this land of liberty that allows you to have a voice and a say, makes me cry.  Like literally I have tears rolling down my cheeks right now as I think about it.  Why must we let this hate take hold.  Why must we take every single little thing that happens, use it as an excuse and let all hell break loose.

How many of you at those riots or burning those flags really voted?  (Like seriously, I'm not accusing, I'm curious)

My heart hurts.  I am sad.  But not because Trump is going to be our new president.  But because of the reactions of the citizens of the United States of America.  I am sad that instead of taking this opportunity to finally unite and work together as a country(regardless of who is leader) we are literally destroying it.

My heart does hurt because of the unknown.  I am so nervous as to what the next 4 years will bring.  Could be nothing.  Could be that he will have an amazing cabinet and group of advisers and pulls it off.  Could be horrible.  The unknown is always scary, especially when you have evidence of the known and it's not good.

There are students in my school who were scared to come to school today and their parents were scared to send them.  That is not the way our COMMUNITY and country should be.  This is the land of opportunity not the land of fear.

I had a sub for most of the day today because of medical reasons, which means I didn't really get to interact with any students about the election.  I've been thinking a lot about what I am going to tell the kids when it gets brought up.  It was the same thing when Obama was re-elected (Depending on the year my classes can be pretty Republican sided-especially my hunters).  I told them "he is our president, and we need to treat the title with respect.  You do not have to like him, but you do need to respect him"

Not going to lie, I struggle saying that about Trump.  Because he has only shown mere glimpses of respect for others (Example:  parts of his victory speech, and his response in one of the debates when asked to say something positive about Clinton).  And as a human being, those disrespectful comments that he made are unacceptable.  BY ANYONE.   But come January, he will be President.

So what do I tell my students?

I tell them that I trust the democratic process.  I trust our system of checks and balances that were designed and put into place.  I know it is not perfect and could use some refining.  I encourage them to be participating citizens in that process and that changes are often very slow, but they will come.

America, I hurt for you.  For us.  Please stop.  Re-evaluate yourselves and your reactions.  Don't vote shame. Stop blaming all those people that voted 3rd party and next time work your tail off to get the other 44.4% out and voting.  Don't blame.  If you are confused as to why anyone would EVER vote for Donald Trump, ask them.  Just because they voted for him doesn't immediately make them misogynists or racists (although that is a conclusion that is easily jumped to) But you should Ask them Why. Like really and truly ask them why they voted for him and not another way. But make sure you are ready with an open mind and a humble heart and be ready to accept their answers so that we can learn to understand each other and move forward.

This is not the end.  This is a growing opportunity.  Are you going to take advantage of it or keep casting stones that will just hurt and break bones?

Please America.  Don't do it for me.  But do it for you, your neighbors, the future generations, and yes, do it for Mr President.  He is going to need a whole lot of help pulling this off.

Thanks,
 A fellow citizen (we are all in this together)

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I've been thinking about what I would do if it was Hilary that was elected,  Pretty sure it would've been a similar plea...

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story

Fun fact #1:
      I LOVE history. I love learning what it took to get to where the world is today.  I love learning about people's lives and seeing how raw and real it was.  I love the personal stories and seeing that life really wasn't that much different than it is today.

Fun fact #2:
      I LOVE the United States of America.  I love all the ideals that it was built on.  I love that we are young and scrappy.  I love that it gives so many freedoms that we all take for granted.  I love being an American.  I love that I am related to so many people that fought in almost every single war to protect those rights and freedoms.  I love that it is MY country and I take my responsibility for it and its future very seriously.

Fun fact #3:
      I LOVE music.  All kinds of music.  Country, oldies, pop, rap, classical, hip hop, you play it and I could probably sing along with it or fake it really really well.  I love the power that is has.  It can invite the spirit, it can calm, it can inspire, it can pump up, it has a way of expressing exactly what you are feeling but you can't really put into words, it has so much power to make you feel anything! And it can carry some powerful messages with it.

Fun fact #4:
      I LOVE musicals and have secret very very unrealistic dreams of being a Broadway star. (But you better believe I win all of the Grammys and Tonys in the shower,, in my car, in the kitchen, and while I'm cleaning)

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So it is a no brainer that when I finally decided to see what was with all the hype about Hamilton the Musical, I fell in LOVE.  It's like Lin-Manuel Miranda, genius of a man that he is, took all of the things I love and tossed them in a blender and came out with this amazing, inspired, work of art. With one heck of a cast to bring it to life (It didn't win 11 Tonys for no reason)

But it is more than just a musical to me.
      It is more than just a bunch of rap/hip-hop songs.
      It is more than just history being retold in a way that is fun and makes you want to learn more.

In a country that is intense, ugly, offensive, defensive, scary, beautiful, nit picky, argumentative, opinionated, free, ignorant, educated, hateful, loving, a country that is anything you want it to be, and during the times that we are living now, life can be overwhelming and confusing.  But I wouldn't trade living in this time for anything.  It's exciting and things are changing.

                                            

Lyric from Hamilton, and as frustrating as life can be I agree with it 110%

Even though we are really good at making it not fun...

I get on social media and I get Trump, Hillary, Bernie, gun rights, parent shaming, ISIS, human trafficking, rape, things you should do, things you should believe, why what you believe or do is wrong and you are a failure of a human being because you don't do exactly what your neighbor does,  all thrown in my face.  You dare to speak out or give your opinion and get instantly attacked and assaulted by all of these people with computer confidence telling you the many ways your opinion is wrong.  Social media is like the ongoing playground fight in the school of life.
It's not all bad.  I'm a firm believer in being able to speak your opinion and have your voice heard (I tell my students all the time that they are welcome to do that in my classroom as long as they have something to back it up and aren't just spouting off what the world is telling them to think or feel) But I don't believe in verbally assaulting and attacking someone who sees different than you, nor do I agree with lumping people in one group because of their religion, race, sexual orientation, politics, parenting choices, and any other way we decide to shame or hate our fellow men.

(For real, for real, Lin-Manuel Miranda is quickly becoming one of my new favorite people)

That being said, a lot of these things that we argue about are not small trivial matters.  Immigration, gun rights, our economy, human rights, they are all important.

 

Another Lyric, but seriously it's time to Rise Up and not just sit and whine, but DO something if you aren't happy with the way the world is going...then after all you've done and you're still unhappy, complain all you want.

Enter Hamilton.

This exceptional musical takes the romanticized idea of the founding of this country and strips it down to what it really was.  Breaking away from a country and starting your own was not an easy task for the founding fathers.  These men who were very educated and studied, had their own ideas and opinions, and some amazing women backing them up and helping them out.  And they were YOUNG.  But they all were working toward the same goal: A functional country with freedoms and rights.  Even though I'm sure at times George Washington felt more like a referee and a parent to unruly youths than the President and first leader of the United States, setting a precedent and example for all to come after him.

Its a reminder in this time of so so so many opinions and beliefs to go back to the basics.  Are we letting not as important topics distract us from the root of the issues and stop us from coming together as a nation and a country?

It shows you the reality and personal issues of the founding fathers.  They threw some serious shade at each other as they tried to accomplish what they thought was best for the United States of America.  Yes, the political arena of today is worse than the Colosseum at the peak of Gladiator season, but it was no picnic in the park in the late 1700s either.  But what do you expect from a bunch of young guys who think they've got the answer to everything.  One would just hope that after almost 250 years we'd be able to come to answers and resolutions differently  (I mean, they dueled.  DUELED---side note, can you picture Trump and Hillary having a full out duel?  Interesting...)

And it makes you question what is worth being right about and what part pride is playing in your life and what we would be different if we all strove more to be humbly passionate about things.

It makes you think and question, am I doing my part to make America the best that it can possibly be?

It shows you that you make out of your life what you put into it.  And it won't be easy or handed to you on a platter.

It quietly but powerfully shows you the strength of women and their very important part in history and the making of this country.  (Don't even get me started on how I feel about the Schuyler sisters, but basically they were awesome and legit and were stronger than all of the founding fathers put together.)  And shows that we are not to be looked over, EVER.

Hamilton gives you a glimpse of what it takes to make things happen in politics and life in general.  And puts in perspective an important and thought provoking question when it comes to how we live life.  Who tells your story?

Hamilton inspires, teaches, and will 100% get stuck in your head.

I've been bitten by the Hamilton bug, and I'm not even mad about it.

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Here's a few other things that I love and just can't stop sharing. (Yes, I recognize I have a problem)


I loved what the Obamas had to say about it during the Tonys so here's a clip, along with one of the many great songs from Hamilton.

Also this site has the lyrics to all the songs including background information on each one. Which is awesome and makes the history teaching in me happy.
http://genius.com/albums/Lin-manuel-miranda/Hamilton-original-broadway-cast-recording

My Heart and Spirit Rejoice

      It has been a few months since I've made an entry in here.  Today I was able to witness and take part in a sacred and special ceremony and I want to shout from the rooftops all about it.  So here I am,  shouting for the world to hear, from my safe and comfortable bedroom in Provo, UT :)
     
     Today the Provo City Center Temple was dedicated.  It has a pretty touching story.  It was built in the late 1800s as a tabernacle.  A meeting place.  In 2010 it burned.  This historical building was left in ashes.  Except for the outer shell.  And then it was announced that it was to be a temple.  That was pretty cool.  I like temples.  And the one in Provo that we already had was always busy.  So another one wouldn't hurt.
 
   And then I started hearing and learning the stories and the connections to history and I grew to love this building.  Here is a picture of the inside when it was a tabernacle:

There it is just a big tabernacle for meetings.  I had been there a few times and it was just a neat old building.

   As I learned more and lived my life, my understanding of this building grew.  I was starting to have a relationship with it.  I have said it before, but it really was becoming an architectural analogy to my personal spiritual growth in this life.  Here are a few videos to show more of what work went into it and all that took place on a street corner in Provo, UT.

That one has more of the history and whatnot.  This next one is just pictures.  But you get the idea.

It is amazing to me how much they were able to do to this shell.  And all of the details and connections to the tabernacle that are spread throughout this sacred building.  

   Much like this building, I have had events happen in my life that have made me feel charred, ruined, dirty, unworthy, and any other negative feelings you can probably think of.  I think it's safe to say that ALL of us have had glimpses of those feelings in our lives.  I, thankfully, didn't let those low times designate the way for the rest of my life.  I have cleaned myself, picked myself up, put myself on stilts, reinforced my foundation in my faith, and have prepared myself to be worthy and willing of God's love and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I have made myself new, every time I fall. 

 BECAUSE THERE IS NO LIMIT TO FORGIVENESS

  

Today was the dedicatory session for this beautiful holy place.  I filled my notebook with thoughts and impressions.  My spirit rejoiced.  So many truths were spoken.  My heart was touched.  I felt a renewal so deep that I didn't even realize that I was needing it.  

Some highlights:

• Temple attendance brings peace to lives and hope to hearts.
• "We can choose to believe.  For in belief, we discover the dawn of the light.  We will discover truth.  We will find peace..."-President Dieter F.  Uchtdorf.
• You can't fatten the hog on the day of the fair.
• Dedication ceremonies remind us to re-dedicate ourselves to living according to the Lord's will.

I love that last one.  The reminder to re-dedicate ourselves.  There was also a lot of emphasis put on the family.  Because it is in the temple and ONLY in the temple with the authority of holy priesthood that one can be sealed to their families and, if worthy, can live with them for eternity.    My heart ached.  My whole body yearns to hold those new spirits that come into this world and teach them about this wonderful Plan of Happiness, and the merciful Atonement of Jesus Christ, and this Restored Gospel on this earth to help them return to live with a loving Heavenly Father.  

Sidenote:

[I want that.

I want to be sealed for time and all eternity to an amazing man who will be my partner, my supporter, my friend, and to whom I can reciprocate all of those things.

I want to them welcome into the world some amazing spirits and have all of the joy, happiness, and drama that comes with those responsibilities.

And I will get that.  I have no doubt in my mind that I will have that.  All of it.]

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

In the meantime I will continue preparing and working on me.  I will continue cleaning up and remodeling myself.  I will continue working hard to re-dedicate myself to the Lord and His Kingdom. And striving to help those around me do the same.

At the end of the dedication we participate in the Hosanna Shout and the choir sang the Hosanna Anthem.  And then we as a congregation were able to sing part of "The Spirit of God"  One of my most favorite hymns!

My spirit rejoiced and my heart soared as I lifted my voice and joined with many others proclaiming my testimony through song.

1. The Spirit of God like a fire is burning!

The latter-day glory begins to come forth;

terThe visions and blessings of old are returning,

And angels are coming to visit the earth.

(Chorus)

We'll sing and we'll shout with the armies of heaven,

Hosanna, hosanna to God and the Lamb!

Let glory to them in the highest be given,

Henceforth and forever, Amen and amen!

2. The Lord is extending the Saints' understanding,

Restoring their judges and all as at first.

The knowledge and power of God are expanding;

The veil o'er the earth is beginning to burst.

(Chorus)

I tried to find the perfect version of this hymn, but I will have to settle with this one.

I love this gospel of Jesus Christ.  I am grateful for my faith.  I am grateful for all that I have been blessed with in my life and all that is still in store that I haven't even experiences yet.

I want to yell from the rooftops and I wish everyone could experience the peace and calm that is available to one and all, if they but ask.

That time I was pulled over and it was an answer to prayers.

       Those of you who may not live in Utah are unaware of the war that is currently going on here.  You may have seen a few things on social media, but that's about it.

       I now live in a battle zone .

       Let me explain a little bit.  Thursday night I came home after spending some time with my family and was sitting, catching up with my roommates.  I pull out my phone and check Facebook for the first time that evening.  And the first thing I see jarred me.  It was a news article titled "LDS Church Bans Children of Homosexual Marriages from Membership."  My stomach dropped.  That couldn't have been right.  Banning is a HUGE word.  That comes with a lot of baggage and a lot of negative feelings.  And that allegation did not sit well/feel right.  

        On came the confusion.

        So I start scouring the internet trying to make sense of this.  I went to a lot of different sources.  I tried to find ones that were unbiased--not very possible in the Utah society.  And there was nothing from the the LDS Church. 

        On came the anger.

        How dare these news channels give a story without having all the information.  How dare these people twist words and meanings to make a Christian Church seem like the Church of the devil.  How dare people attack my beliefs and my faith.  How dare people call me a bigot.  How dare these little innocent children not be given the blessings of the gospel...

WAIT

That can't be right.   I do not know everything but I do know and will never deny that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of His children.  I know that we are all given the chance to come to this Earth and make choices with our agency.  AND LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.  We are given commandments and laws to help us navigate through life and be worthy to live with Heavenly Father and Mother for eternity.  But we must make the choices and decisions that will get us there.

        On came the determination to figure this out.  I decided to continue to pray and prepare myself for understanding.

I had yet to come to terms with something that general authorities have released about the direction of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Until now.  So I prayed,read different posts/viewpoints and thought A LOT.

I've read a lot of posts about "privileged, straight white members" not understanding....

    To them I respond with this:   

     No, I am not working through same sex attraction.  But I am working through being attracted and wanting to feel close to someone in all ways possible.  I'm a single, 27 year old virgin.  I KNOW how hard it is to love someone and want to be with them.  I KNOW how hard it is to be on your own and wanting to have someone, a partner, a lover, a best friend, to share this life with and work through the hard times and the fun times together.  I KNOW what it feels like when every last particle in you craves to procreate and have your own family.  I know how easy it would be for me to find someone to have a child with, regardless of the consequences.

    It is lonely, it is frustrating, it is confusing because you know Heavenly Father wants you to be happy but you can't have that one thing that is your deepest most sincere heart's desire, and that you are constantly being reminded and told that you need to have it to continue to progress.

IT SUCKS

  So don't you DARE tell me that because I am doing the best that I can to live the law of chastity and to follow all of God's commandments so that I can raise my children to become responsible citizens of the Lords Kingdom, and so that I can have ETERNAL JOY and Happiness, that I am a small-minded, privileged bigot who hates everyone and wants to damn innocent children to Hell.  You don't know me.  You don't understand the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and obviously you are just looking to find the negative and the wrong in everything.  Especially a Church that you are not forced to be a part of.

    I will acknowledge that it is hard living in a community where the majority of people are the same religion and you feel that you must put up a fight or rationalize or defend yourself every time you feel a little bit different than those around you.  And many of you are dealing with years of resentment and feelings of not living up to a certain standard because you are not a certain way.  To those I say simply, I hope you are working on being confident in who you are and I am sorry that you feel those around you don't respect you and your beliefs.  I really am sorry this is not a society where we can all mutually respect and support each other regardless of beliefs.

I teach 9th graders.  These youth are trying to figure out life.  They all aren't members a the LDS Church, some are atheist, others Catholic, others non-denominational, others Jewish, for others religion isn't even on their radar because they are trying to just figure out where their little brothers and sisters are going to get their next meal.  They are trying to survive in this crazy world that daily gets more intense and more confusing.  I do not allow negative comments in my room.  I do not allow them to say things that are judgemental.  When they give their opinions, I allow them to talk, but make sure they have a source behind it.  When we research I teach them how to find information from all sources to get the full picture.  

And it makes me so sad when this society shows me that that practice is not common.  That we take the first thing we see and run with it.  And unfortunately, it happens on both sides.

I continued to pray.  I continued to read different viewpoints.  I continued to look for answers.  And they came.  Slowly.  When my mind and heart were ready and open.  They came.

As I was driving home last night after a great, relaxing evening with my family I was driving 5 miles over the speed limit.  That's my usual.  It's always seemed like an unwritten rule that it was ok to drive 5 miles over.  This unspoken agreement between the police and the drivers.  And then...up pop the bubblegum lights.  I pull over to the side of the road and get all huffy and bend out of shape because this is a waste of time and it was ONLY 5 miles over.  Everyone does it.  I then continued to text some friends and family whining and complaining that I got pulled over for 5 measly mph.

When I get home I saw that the church had FINALLY released a straight forward video.  The Apostle answering the questions has been very open in the past about same-sex attraction and very personal, as he has shared insights from having a brother who works through those feelings.

As I watched this video it hit me.   I was breaking the law.  5 miles over is still 5 miles over.  As this world continues to spin there cannot be as many blurred lines.  Too many of us feel like we can dictate the laws of God instead of following them-especially those of us who have made covenants and promises to do so.  These aren't just the laws of the land that is being discussed.  These are the laws of God.  All throughout the New Testament the Apostles and Christ are written and speaking and clarifying the laws of God.  That continues in this world today.

On came the peace.

I don't have all the answers, but I have the ones I need at this time.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is led by Christ through his servants, the prophets and apostles.  We strive for tangible answers and sometimes those lie in our faith.  We yearn for happiness and joy and to be a part of a family unit.  We've been given commandments and laws to help us reach those goals.  And when we enter the waters of baptism we are making an informed decision to follow those commandments and do our best to keep those covenants. At least, we should be.

This was not just a flippant decision.   This is grave.  This is serious.  The church has never said these group of people will NEVER be allowed to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  This group is not BANNED.  There are policies that have been put into place to help lines not be so blurred and confusing.

And we hate it when things cannot be in the blurred lines anymore.  We lash out and attack and that is exactly what Satan wants us to do.   

May we all use this as a faith building opportunity.  As a time to commune with Heavenly Father and Christ and seek answers on our own, with all the facts.

So Thank you.  Thank you to society and social media for reminding me that this world is getting uglier by the minute.  Thank you for reminding me that I am grateful for our freedom of speech and freedom of religion.  Thank you for helping me grow in my faith and testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  Thank you for reminding me there is a plan in place and all the messy things will be sorted out by a true, just, yet merciful and understanding God.  Thank you for helping me realize that Satan is trying to win.  But when it comes to me, he has lost.  No man can serve 2 masters, I know which one I am serving and I am willing to do what is asked of me because of that choice.  I know when it comes to the laws of the Lord, I am not going to be on the side that is driving 5 over because everyone else is doing it.

D&C 82:10- 10 I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.

I need those promised blessings.  I want an Eternal Family and Joy.  I am not willing to sacrifice that for anything.  

AND IT IS OK IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE

 OR FEEL THE SAME WAY!

I am so grateful that I live in a place where we all can choose for ourselves to believe what we may.  I do not attack your beliefs, you do not attack mine.  I pray that we may all learn how to live in such a way that supports and uplifts one another in our own beliefs, instead of attacking, belittling, bullying and breaking one another down.  

This is a trying and hard time for many.  And it is not going to be any better.   I will continue to teach my students to be useful and supportive citizens in this world.  I will continue to lead by example.  May we all treat both sides of the issue with love and a level of mutual respect for we are all Children of a loving Heavenly Father trying to figure out how to get through this life.  By following how we choose to believe.  And the best part is...WE CHOOSE, But we then must live with the consequences of those choices.

Thank you Heavenly Father for sending that cop to pull me over last night.  And for bringing me understanding in the way that I needed it.

***I know and recognize that this goes a lot deeper especially because where I live it is not only just something a church has done.  It is a cultural thing and there are many many intense feelings that go along with this.  BUT IT GOES FOR BOTH SIDES.  It breaks my heart when I hear that people got in a yelling match because of this.  I wish I could sit them all down in a controlled setting to get to the point where we can be civil.  But unfortunately, I doubt that will ever happen.  I pray that I can do the best I can to accomplish civility in all my associations and dealings with everyone.  Those of different faiths, beliefs, lifestyles and especially those of the same faith.

The Miracle that is Nauvoo

  It is not uncommon, or unusual to hear about the many miracles that happen in Nauvoo.  I know miracles happen everyday all over the world, big ones and a lot of small one, I am not detracting from those.  But while being in Nauvoo they get pointed out OFTEN.  And there are a variety of different types ranging from; weather ones, medical ones, transportation ones, family ones, and the extra special-personal ones.

There are no reflection pools by the Nauvoo Temple, this was a nature-made one after the many intense rain storms.

  Blue Cast was not spared our share of miracles.  From a sister who thought she ruptured her achilles and ended up not having surgery, to a brother who had a tear in his retina and his surgery was near as intense as they thought.  To the rain stopping or starting at the exact right moment.  To the passing storms that destroyed nearby communities but left Nauvoo untouched.  Now don't get me wrong,  there were a lot of HARD things going on and things that we struggled with, things were definitely not perfect, but it was very easy to see the hand of the Lord in all things that happened around that sacred, special town.

  My family was no stranger to these blessings and miracles.  One night as they were coming offstage, my father twisted his ankle.  Within 5 minutes of that happening he was given a priesthood blessing by someone with authority to do so, and there was a group of people saying a prayer for him(even though they had no idea who is was that was hurt).  The swelling went down, he felt no pain, and was recovered in the next couple of days.

  I had knee surgery at the end of April, which everyone was aware of and I had to take it easy at some points.  But what nobody in Nauvoo knew, was my heart issues.  about a week before I left Utah I had an appointment with the PA that works with my cardiologist.  I mentioned during that appointment that I had almost passed out after being on the treadmill for less than 5 minutes during physical therapy.  She immediately scheduled an echocardiogram, and commented on the possibility of needed surgery soon.  So I had a fun nervous weekend waiting to see if I would be in Utah having surgery, or in Nauvoo singing and dancing and performing.
   My follow up with the cardiologist basically went like this "You are not severe enough to NEED surgery right now, if we do it now it is just doing it before it is necessary.  But it will have to happen soon.  What?  You are going to be in the Nauvoo heat and humidity for 2 weeks, singing and dancing?  You almost pass out after exercising for 5 minutes on the treadmill, can't walk and talk without being short of breath? Well...just take it easy, drink so much water you feel like you are draining the Mississippi, listen to your body, and try not to pass out." Ok, got it doc!
 
They way they organize these pageants still astounds me.  Before we get there we are already divided up into districts and (depending on what district we are in) placed in scenes and given entrances and exits.  They have a Core cast of amazing, talented people, that perform the whole month and have a lot of responsibilities given to them-including helping those of us that feel like lost sheep :)  Then they have 5 different family casts that volunteer 2 weeks of their summer to be in Nauvoo, practice and perform and then the next cast takes over.  Our cast was the 2nd family cast.  While the first was performing we practiced and then performed the next week.  They gave us these blue blocking books (since we are in the Blue Cast) that had our schedules (that would probably change) and other important information we would need.  If you look at what our written schedule said, we were supposed to be on the stage Monday night for like 30 minutes, and pretty much everyday for the rest of the week.  Due to the weather, however those plans changed.  ALOT.  We learned our spots and the dances in the Headquarters open area.  They had a flat outline of the stage on the floor so we did the best we could.  Then when we finally were able to be on the stage, we MIRACULOUSLY and definitely with the Spirit and guidance of Heavenly Father, were able to pull it off pretty seamlessly.  There were a few days that we practiced on the stage in the heat and had to do the dances multiple times.

    Which really isn't that bad, but this stage sits at an angle.  A pretty good angle.  Now also remember, I had knee surgery in April-you don't dance the same on an angle as you do on the flat floor in Pageant Headquarters.

  

I would take some time out with my knee.  But the first night we performed I didn't feel any pain.  As soon as I stepped onto that stage.  It was as if my knee was perfect again, and I performed and danced the most energetic and best I could.  One of the 12 Apostles was there that night and had given the cast as a whole some blessings.  Not a coincidence.

 Then let's add the Nauvoo heat and humidity which I love.  And this stage that radiates the heat right back.  And dancing multiple times.  Oh yeah, remember my heart?  I didn't pass out! Came close a few times, had to sit out a few times and blame it on my knee, but it didn't happen! Yeah!

   We were able to put on 2 pageants that we worked on in less than a week.  With the majority of our cast never being in a theater production, let alone a pageant.  And sure we definitely messed up a few times (more than a few), but you could feel the spirit so STRONGLY every single night.  We were simply the Lord's instruments in the dance and the music of testifying of His Son, Jesus Christ, and his Restored Gospel on this Earth today.

   As I looked back and thought about our practice time, I couldn't help but feel grateful for the rain.  I honestly do not know how much I physically could've handled, toward the end of the 2 weeks I just iced my knees for HOURS to numb it up before we performed and my heart-I don't want to speculate what COULD have happened because of it.  I know the Lord has a plan for each of us.  I know I wasn't the reason why it rained so much, but I am grateful that I could benefit from it.  That it was a tender blessing in my life, as well as being part of His grander plan for each and everyone of His children impacted by it.

 The greatest miracle of all however, is the personal one.  The change that one goes through as we commune with our ancestors and our Heavenly Father DAILY, to do His will and help others come unto Christ as we are.  To share the light of the Gospel.  To ache for those who are struggling to work it all out. To allow the Lord to be a part of your life and a part of your family.  It is hard, it is hot, it is uncomfortable, it is wet, it is sticky, it is gross, it is glorious, it is humbling, it is eye opening, it is heart opening, it is sacred,  it is Zion.  And we are ALL the better for witnessing even the smallest glimpse of it.  And you don't have to have been in Nauvoo to have that a part of your life.  You can work everyday to make your home, your family, your life, YOU, Zion.

And never forget,
The greatest miracle of all, is us.