Life is Funny Sometimes.

Important things to know about me:

1. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (Aka I'm Mormon)
2. I am the 6th of 7 kids (the sparkling personality and favorite of the family :)
3. I was born and raised in Rural Illinois (This is important to note because it reflects a lot in who I am as a person)
4. As I got older, things began to change. (Probably the biggest understatement of all the things)
5. In a lesson as a young woman we had to write down where we saw ourselves in 5 years and then 10 years....I wrote: In 10 years, when I'm 25, I would be married with 1-2 kids and another on the way. (I was basically planning on being a baby making machine) Another example: Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my instant thought was always "a stay at home mom with at least 6 kids." 
6. I love playing with kids. I will find any excuse to win little kids over so they will let me play with them. I am able to connect with them in ways that I can't  always with others. I became an aunt when I was 10 and love playing and taking care of my siblings' children. (And helping them be good humans) which lends itself to how I have constantly been told over and over how great I am with kids, and I have taken pride in it and, in the past, defined myself by that quality.
7. I love men. (Just to clarify.)
8. I'm a planner and had my life mapped out so it made sense. Example: I was always into guys that were 2 years older than me, so I could write them on their mission and then they would come home and we'd get married.
9. I am a huge romantic...to the point that whenever I watched Disney movies or any movies with romance, I would always fantasize about my love life turning out the way depicted in the movie and I would live happily ever after with the love of my life and my best friend. (There are quite a few on screen kisses that I definitely want to try in real life)
10. My main goals for this life: Be the amazing wife and mother I know I can and will be, and become the woman that Heavenly Father wants me to be. 
11. I have a few medical issues. (These are important to note because of how they have shaped me as a human and Child of God.)

The final thing to know: my life never has, and probably never will, worked out the way I envision or the way I plan it. Ever.

The last thing should be no surprise. I mean, I wouldn't be writing for this project and you wouldn't be reading it if I hadn’t had to pass through hard things.

An acquaintance from Illinois has a blog where she shares peoples storied of finding joy through the journey of life.  Especially when life doesn’t work out the way I want. She reached out to me a long time ago, asking if I would be willing to share my story. I am a teacher, a coach, and in grad school, so that was my excuse for not doing it at the time.   I also didn’t want this to be another woman talking about how she just wants to be a mom and then poof gets pregnant so their patience has paid off and everything has resolved itself.   ***Spoiler alert, I’m still single***

So here we go, hold on to your hats because it's going to be a bumpy ride. I give you: The life and adventures of Natalie Brady, trying to find happiness and joy while feeling so incomplete.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, for as long as I can remember, all I've wanted to do in life is be a wife and a mother. It just made sense to me and the thought of doing anything else never tempted or appealed to me. I've wanted to be sealed in the temple and have an eternal family, be a stay at home mom and thus fulfill my purpose in this life (or so I thought). 

I worked hard in high school so I could get good grades and test scores to make it into BYU (the "factory" where those outside of Utah assume everyone goes and maybe gets a degree, but most definitely gets a spouse). I’ve always struggled with some self-esteem issues. There weren't any guys that I went to school with that really ever showed interest in me. It was to the point that I decided I had an invisible message written on my forehead that said "Don't even think about it fellas, she is not worth your time or your effort." (Yes, I know how unhealthy that was, and no, I no longer feel that way). So being well aware of all my flaws, and unable to recognize or acknowledge my amazing qualities, I got accepted to BYU and headed out to the "factory". 

Freshman year was amazing. I was fortunately blessed with a group of long lasting friends that helped me grow and showed me I could be loved for being me. Most of the guys I grew close to were slowly leaving on missions and they became great friends and pen pals. They were my age though. Remember #8 from my list?  I was living it, I was writing a missionary who was 2 years older than me. We had known each other since I was 10? 11? We saw each other every summer for 2 weeks. We could talk on the phone for hours on end (he mostly talked, I listened).  AND he was my first kiss, so the romantic side of me was in love with the story, the coincidences, the timeline.  I could picture telling our kids how it all worked out and how awesome love was.  

He got home from his mission, we met up, decided to try dating and both headed back to school.  I was in my 2nd year at BYU. He was going to BYU-Idaho. So we did the long distance thing. Things were great. I thought my plan was working perfectly. I was set.  I was happy. No need to bring Heavenly Father into it because it was all working out and I didn't want to bother him while He had more important issues to worry about, like world hunger, rumors of wars, all that…

November of that year, my fantasy and perfect plan crumbled into tiny pieces.  **Point to Heavenly Father**

I was then facing my first trial of heart break.  I was having to come to terms with how this really good thing, that I’ve been promised and encouraged to pursue, was not working out.  How did I deal?  I clung to my friends and went to the temple all the time.  That was a hard jolt.  But I overcame it.  I decided to roll with it, get strength from the temple and see what happens next.  Time went on, I had some flings, made some memories, “decorated” some mustangs, and slowly started to realize maybe I needed to involve Heavenly Father a little bit more, but I still thought my issues paled in comparison to everything else going on in the world.  

I stayed in Utah that summer, and had probably the most perfect summer.  Sure I had some crushes and they didn't pan out, which hit my self-esteem again.  But the memories and adventures of that summer were perfect.  

I was never one of those girls that were determined to serve a mission.  Because Plan A was ALWAYS get married and become a mom.  But I had always said that if I was single with no prospects, I was healthy enough and capable (#11), and it felt right, I would go.  Well my answer came during an October General Conference, the doctor cleared me, and my papers were in.  Mission was not a part of my plan but it happened. **Another point to Heavenly Father**

How did I deal?  I went on a mission and grew in ways I never knew possible, and made long lasting connections with amazing humans that continue to bless my life daily.

So I serve a mission, come home and rearrange my plan a little.   Now I was an RM.  Now, I had another thing on my resume for why I’m a good catch.  So it was definitely going to fall into place now.  I would finish up school and get married.  Perfect.   OF COURSE NOT.  Because that’s not how my life pans out.  How did I deal?  I worked hard, put myself out there, helped my friends figure their love lives out, celebrated, cried…basically I tried.

My last semester at BYU I was an intern at Timpview High School.  My career was falling into place and things were looking up.   And I met a cute boy.  This was it!  We clicked, we could talk for hours at a time, we instantly became dependent on each other,  it seemed like it was everything I had ever dreamed of, and more.  I was so happy.  And I was doing it!  I was graduating with a Bachelor’s Degree (only the 2nd in my family), I had served a full time mission (only the 2nd in my family), I had found a man who was worthy to get married in the temple who loved me and wanted to spend time with me, be with me, supported me in anything I wanted to do, love me unconditionally, and spend his life with me.  I loved his family, I loved the idea of our future family, it was good.

We dated for 20 months…and then, it ended.  

If I had thought my world had crumbled before, this time my world must’ve been put into a blender going at 250 mph.  Devastated is an understatement.  Thankfully it happened over the summer so I could recover(ish) before having to be a responsible adult and teacher.  This time around I did involve Heavenly Father.  I had prayed, countless times.  I went to the temple.  I went to the temple with him.  I had received my answer.  It was him.  Heavenly Father gave me the ok.  So I took the prompting and ran with it.  And then….nothing.  I was alone, again.  And this was the by far the lowest, hardest, most difficult point of my life.  EVER.  **Point to Free Agency, and at another level, point to Heavenly Father**

How did I deal?  I did everything I could think of.  I cried. A LOT.  I yelled at Heavenly Father, I wrote letters to my ex.  I ran away to my sister’s.  I went to the temple.  I tried to make sense of it all.  I moved.  I clung to my friends and depended on them to keep me grounded. I received countless blessings. I served.  I lived a day at a time.

Slowly but surely, the pieces of Natalie started to come back together.  This time stronger and better than ever.  One of the best things about that relationship was that I FINALLY felt loved for me.  I felt desired.  I felt self worth that I had never been able to feel before.  He gave me the present of seeing how amazing I really am.  I changed the way I viewed myself.  I changed the way I talked about myself.  But the most important thing of all….my relationship with my Father in Heaven changed.  

That was 4 years ago.  I am still single.  

I have come up against frustrating circumstances with my job.  Trying to find a new one and it never working out **Point to Heavenly Father** How did I deal?  I recognized that I have been able to accomplish so much at the school I am currently at and been given opportunities that have me the teacher and professional I am today.

My deepest desire is still to be a wife and mother.  The level of yearning in my heart is too great to explain in words.  I still am a romantic.  I still am me.  I still want a different job path, but I am working on it right now. I am a better version of me than before these trials.  I am one hell of a catch for one lucky man(Trust me, whoever he is will be counting his blessings forever.  Because I am amazing).  But it is so much more than that.

I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.  I KNOW He is personally aware of me and my life.  I am a teacher and a coach.  I am constantly working on becoming the best me I possibly can.  I get frustrated and impatient.  I am living life to the best of my ability.  I am putting myself out there.  I have quite a few stories about the dating world and dating in 2017 as something in their older 20s (I could probably write about 5 more posts on just that topic alone).  I have people in my life that help fill voids.  I have no plan anymore for the things in my life that I can't control.  I have hopes, goals, and desires for the future (both socially, physically, and professionally) but I have recognized that if things do not work out, it is for a reason, and I am more than ok with that.  I am excited for what it means is coming.

I know there is no easy button for the problems in life.  There is no switch to flip to make it all better. I know that getting married is not the all fix solution.  I know having kids is so much work.  There are days when I can’t help but think: Life would be so much easier if I just stayed single for forever.  But I don’t want that.  AT ALL.  I want it all.  I want the dirty diapers, the vomit, the late night feedings, the crying, the disagreements, the cuddles, the love, the holding while I cry, the watching tiny humans figure out life, the working together with a partner to survive life, the companionship of taking on adventures TOGETHER and creating memories and laughing with someone, and relying on each other for eternity.  I want the pain and the joy.  I want that opportunity to progress in ways I haven't been able to yet. And I don't doubt or question...I KNOW, I'm going to get it.  And that helps me hold on to my sanity.

How do I deal right now?  I trust Heavenly Father and live my life in the present.  Enjoying every opportunity that comes my way.  Learning and growing and building up my book of stories to share with all those that come into my life.  And the best part...

Even though life is hard and there is nothing that I want more than to have someone to hold me after a really long day...I couldn't be more content and am not worried at all about everything working out.  I trust and love Heavenly Father with all my heart.  As long as I keep doing my part, I know He's not going to forget me, or let me down.  I trust His timetable.  He's got me.

Which means I have more time to focus on helping others and being His instrument.  How cool is that?