That time I was pulled over and it was an answer to prayers.

       Those of you who may not live in Utah are unaware of the war that is currently going on here.  You may have seen a few things on social media, but that's about it.

       I now live in a battle zone .

       Let me explain a little bit.  Thursday night I came home after spending some time with my family and was sitting, catching up with my roommates.  I pull out my phone and check Facebook for the first time that evening.  And the first thing I see jarred me.  It was a news article titled "LDS Church Bans Children of Homosexual Marriages from Membership."  My stomach dropped.  That couldn't have been right.  Banning is a HUGE word.  That comes with a lot of baggage and a lot of negative feelings.  And that allegation did not sit well/feel right.  

        On came the confusion.

        So I start scouring the internet trying to make sense of this.  I went to a lot of different sources.  I tried to find ones that were unbiased--not very possible in the Utah society.  And there was nothing from the the LDS Church. 

        On came the anger.

        How dare these news channels give a story without having all the information.  How dare these people twist words and meanings to make a Christian Church seem like the Church of the devil.  How dare people attack my beliefs and my faith.  How dare people call me a bigot.  How dare these little innocent children not be given the blessings of the gospel...

WAIT

That can't be right.   I do not know everything but I do know and will never deny that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of His children.  I know that we are all given the chance to come to this Earth and make choices with our agency.  AND LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.  We are given commandments and laws to help us navigate through life and be worthy to live with Heavenly Father and Mother for eternity.  But we must make the choices and decisions that will get us there.

        On came the determination to figure this out.  I decided to continue to pray and prepare myself for understanding.

I had yet to come to terms with something that general authorities have released about the direction of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Until now.  So I prayed,read different posts/viewpoints and thought A LOT.

I've read a lot of posts about "privileged, straight white members" not understanding....

    To them I respond with this:   

     No, I am not working through same sex attraction.  But I am working through being attracted and wanting to feel close to someone in all ways possible.  I'm a single, 27 year old virgin.  I KNOW how hard it is to love someone and want to be with them.  I KNOW how hard it is to be on your own and wanting to have someone, a partner, a lover, a best friend, to share this life with and work through the hard times and the fun times together.  I KNOW what it feels like when every last particle in you craves to procreate and have your own family.  I know how easy it would be for me to find someone to have a child with, regardless of the consequences.

    It is lonely, it is frustrating, it is confusing because you know Heavenly Father wants you to be happy but you can't have that one thing that is your deepest most sincere heart's desire, and that you are constantly being reminded and told that you need to have it to continue to progress.

IT SUCKS

  So don't you DARE tell me that because I am doing the best that I can to live the law of chastity and to follow all of God's commandments so that I can raise my children to become responsible citizens of the Lords Kingdom, and so that I can have ETERNAL JOY and Happiness, that I am a small-minded, privileged bigot who hates everyone and wants to damn innocent children to Hell.  You don't know me.  You don't understand the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and obviously you are just looking to find the negative and the wrong in everything.  Especially a Church that you are not forced to be a part of.

    I will acknowledge that it is hard living in a community where the majority of people are the same religion and you feel that you must put up a fight or rationalize or defend yourself every time you feel a little bit different than those around you.  And many of you are dealing with years of resentment and feelings of not living up to a certain standard because you are not a certain way.  To those I say simply, I hope you are working on being confident in who you are and I am sorry that you feel those around you don't respect you and your beliefs.  I really am sorry this is not a society where we can all mutually respect and support each other regardless of beliefs.

I teach 9th graders.  These youth are trying to figure out life.  They all aren't members a the LDS Church, some are atheist, others Catholic, others non-denominational, others Jewish, for others religion isn't even on their radar because they are trying to just figure out where their little brothers and sisters are going to get their next meal.  They are trying to survive in this crazy world that daily gets more intense and more confusing.  I do not allow negative comments in my room.  I do not allow them to say things that are judgemental.  When they give their opinions, I allow them to talk, but make sure they have a source behind it.  When we research I teach them how to find information from all sources to get the full picture.  

And it makes me so sad when this society shows me that that practice is not common.  That we take the first thing we see and run with it.  And unfortunately, it happens on both sides.

I continued to pray.  I continued to read different viewpoints.  I continued to look for answers.  And they came.  Slowly.  When my mind and heart were ready and open.  They came.

As I was driving home last night after a great, relaxing evening with my family I was driving 5 miles over the speed limit.  That's my usual.  It's always seemed like an unwritten rule that it was ok to drive 5 miles over.  This unspoken agreement between the police and the drivers.  And then...up pop the bubblegum lights.  I pull over to the side of the road and get all huffy and bend out of shape because this is a waste of time and it was ONLY 5 miles over.  Everyone does it.  I then continued to text some friends and family whining and complaining that I got pulled over for 5 measly mph.

When I get home I saw that the church had FINALLY released a straight forward video.  The Apostle answering the questions has been very open in the past about same-sex attraction and very personal, as he has shared insights from having a brother who works through those feelings.

As I watched this video it hit me.   I was breaking the law.  5 miles over is still 5 miles over.  As this world continues to spin there cannot be as many blurred lines.  Too many of us feel like we can dictate the laws of God instead of following them-especially those of us who have made covenants and promises to do so.  These aren't just the laws of the land that is being discussed.  These are the laws of God.  All throughout the New Testament the Apostles and Christ are written and speaking and clarifying the laws of God.  That continues in this world today.

On came the peace.

I don't have all the answers, but I have the ones I need at this time.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is led by Christ through his servants, the prophets and apostles.  We strive for tangible answers and sometimes those lie in our faith.  We yearn for happiness and joy and to be a part of a family unit.  We've been given commandments and laws to help us reach those goals.  And when we enter the waters of baptism we are making an informed decision to follow those commandments and do our best to keep those covenants. At least, we should be.

This was not just a flippant decision.   This is grave.  This is serious.  The church has never said these group of people will NEVER be allowed to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  This group is not BANNED.  There are policies that have been put into place to help lines not be so blurred and confusing.

And we hate it when things cannot be in the blurred lines anymore.  We lash out and attack and that is exactly what Satan wants us to do.   

May we all use this as a faith building opportunity.  As a time to commune with Heavenly Father and Christ and seek answers on our own, with all the facts.

So Thank you.  Thank you to society and social media for reminding me that this world is getting uglier by the minute.  Thank you for reminding me that I am grateful for our freedom of speech and freedom of religion.  Thank you for helping me grow in my faith and testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  Thank you for reminding me there is a plan in place and all the messy things will be sorted out by a true, just, yet merciful and understanding God.  Thank you for helping me realize that Satan is trying to win.  But when it comes to me, he has lost.  No man can serve 2 masters, I know which one I am serving and I am willing to do what is asked of me because of that choice.  I know when it comes to the laws of the Lord, I am not going to be on the side that is driving 5 over because everyone else is doing it.

D&C 82:10- 10 I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.

I need those promised blessings.  I want an Eternal Family and Joy.  I am not willing to sacrifice that for anything.  

AND IT IS OK IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE

 OR FEEL THE SAME WAY!

I am so grateful that I live in a place where we all can choose for ourselves to believe what we may.  I do not attack your beliefs, you do not attack mine.  I pray that we may all learn how to live in such a way that supports and uplifts one another in our own beliefs, instead of attacking, belittling, bullying and breaking one another down.  

This is a trying and hard time for many.  And it is not going to be any better.   I will continue to teach my students to be useful and supportive citizens in this world.  I will continue to lead by example.  May we all treat both sides of the issue with love and a level of mutual respect for we are all Children of a loving Heavenly Father trying to figure out how to get through this life.  By following how we choose to believe.  And the best part is...WE CHOOSE, But we then must live with the consequences of those choices.

Thank you Heavenly Father for sending that cop to pull me over last night.  And for bringing me understanding in the way that I needed it.

***I know and recognize that this goes a lot deeper especially because where I live it is not only just something a church has done.  It is a cultural thing and there are many many intense feelings that go along with this.  BUT IT GOES FOR BOTH SIDES.  It breaks my heart when I hear that people got in a yelling match because of this.  I wish I could sit them all down in a controlled setting to get to the point where we can be civil.  But unfortunately, I doubt that will ever happen.  I pray that I can do the best I can to accomplish civility in all my associations and dealings with everyone.  Those of different faiths, beliefs, lifestyles and especially those of the same faith.

The Miracle that is Nauvoo

  It is not uncommon, or unusual to hear about the many miracles that happen in Nauvoo.  I know miracles happen everyday all over the world, big ones and a lot of small one, I am not detracting from those.  But while being in Nauvoo they get pointed out OFTEN.  And there are a variety of different types ranging from; weather ones, medical ones, transportation ones, family ones, and the extra special-personal ones.

There are no reflection pools by the Nauvoo Temple, this was a nature-made one after the many intense rain storms.

  Blue Cast was not spared our share of miracles.  From a sister who thought she ruptured her achilles and ended up not having surgery, to a brother who had a tear in his retina and his surgery was near as intense as they thought.  To the rain stopping or starting at the exact right moment.  To the passing storms that destroyed nearby communities but left Nauvoo untouched.  Now don't get me wrong,  there were a lot of HARD things going on and things that we struggled with, things were definitely not perfect, but it was very easy to see the hand of the Lord in all things that happened around that sacred, special town.

  My family was no stranger to these blessings and miracles.  One night as they were coming offstage, my father twisted his ankle.  Within 5 minutes of that happening he was given a priesthood blessing by someone with authority to do so, and there was a group of people saying a prayer for him(even though they had no idea who is was that was hurt).  The swelling went down, he felt no pain, and was recovered in the next couple of days.

  I had knee surgery at the end of April, which everyone was aware of and I had to take it easy at some points.  But what nobody in Nauvoo knew, was my heart issues.  about a week before I left Utah I had an appointment with the PA that works with my cardiologist.  I mentioned during that appointment that I had almost passed out after being on the treadmill for less than 5 minutes during physical therapy.  She immediately scheduled an echocardiogram, and commented on the possibility of needed surgery soon.  So I had a fun nervous weekend waiting to see if I would be in Utah having surgery, or in Nauvoo singing and dancing and performing.
   My follow up with the cardiologist basically went like this "You are not severe enough to NEED surgery right now, if we do it now it is just doing it before it is necessary.  But it will have to happen soon.  What?  You are going to be in the Nauvoo heat and humidity for 2 weeks, singing and dancing?  You almost pass out after exercising for 5 minutes on the treadmill, can't walk and talk without being short of breath? Well...just take it easy, drink so much water you feel like you are draining the Mississippi, listen to your body, and try not to pass out." Ok, got it doc!
 
They way they organize these pageants still astounds me.  Before we get there we are already divided up into districts and (depending on what district we are in) placed in scenes and given entrances and exits.  They have a Core cast of amazing, talented people, that perform the whole month and have a lot of responsibilities given to them-including helping those of us that feel like lost sheep :)  Then they have 5 different family casts that volunteer 2 weeks of their summer to be in Nauvoo, practice and perform and then the next cast takes over.  Our cast was the 2nd family cast.  While the first was performing we practiced and then performed the next week.  They gave us these blue blocking books (since we are in the Blue Cast) that had our schedules (that would probably change) and other important information we would need.  If you look at what our written schedule said, we were supposed to be on the stage Monday night for like 30 minutes, and pretty much everyday for the rest of the week.  Due to the weather, however those plans changed.  ALOT.  We learned our spots and the dances in the Headquarters open area.  They had a flat outline of the stage on the floor so we did the best we could.  Then when we finally were able to be on the stage, we MIRACULOUSLY and definitely with the Spirit and guidance of Heavenly Father, were able to pull it off pretty seamlessly.  There were a few days that we practiced on the stage in the heat and had to do the dances multiple times.

    Which really isn't that bad, but this stage sits at an angle.  A pretty good angle.  Now also remember, I had knee surgery in April-you don't dance the same on an angle as you do on the flat floor in Pageant Headquarters.

  

I would take some time out with my knee.  But the first night we performed I didn't feel any pain.  As soon as I stepped onto that stage.  It was as if my knee was perfect again, and I performed and danced the most energetic and best I could.  One of the 12 Apostles was there that night and had given the cast as a whole some blessings.  Not a coincidence.

 Then let's add the Nauvoo heat and humidity which I love.  And this stage that radiates the heat right back.  And dancing multiple times.  Oh yeah, remember my heart?  I didn't pass out! Came close a few times, had to sit out a few times and blame it on my knee, but it didn't happen! Yeah!

   We were able to put on 2 pageants that we worked on in less than a week.  With the majority of our cast never being in a theater production, let alone a pageant.  And sure we definitely messed up a few times (more than a few), but you could feel the spirit so STRONGLY every single night.  We were simply the Lord's instruments in the dance and the music of testifying of His Son, Jesus Christ, and his Restored Gospel on this Earth today.

   As I looked back and thought about our practice time, I couldn't help but feel grateful for the rain.  I honestly do not know how much I physically could've handled, toward the end of the 2 weeks I just iced my knees for HOURS to numb it up before we performed and my heart-I don't want to speculate what COULD have happened because of it.  I know the Lord has a plan for each of us.  I know I wasn't the reason why it rained so much, but I am grateful that I could benefit from it.  That it was a tender blessing in my life, as well as being part of His grander plan for each and everyone of His children impacted by it.

 The greatest miracle of all however, is the personal one.  The change that one goes through as we commune with our ancestors and our Heavenly Father DAILY, to do His will and help others come unto Christ as we are.  To share the light of the Gospel.  To ache for those who are struggling to work it all out. To allow the Lord to be a part of your life and a part of your family.  It is hard, it is hot, it is uncomfortable, it is wet, it is sticky, it is gross, it is glorious, it is humbling, it is eye opening, it is heart opening, it is sacred,  it is Zion.  And we are ALL the better for witnessing even the smallest glimpse of it.  And you don't have to have been in Nauvoo to have that a part of your life.  You can work everyday to make your home, your family, your life, YOU, Zion.

And never forget,
The greatest miracle of all, is us.

My Time in Zion (The beginning of the story)

    From July 5-18th my parents and I camped in Nauvoo to help put on 2 outdoor musicals.  I've blogged before about the City of Joseph.  Nauvoo has always had, and will continue to have, a special place in my heart.  This summer's experiences have just entrenched those feelings more and more into my soul, and who I am as a person.

   There is so much to write about and gush about as far as my time goes that I could probably write a book.  That being said, I have decided to write more than one post about it all.  I haven't really decided on a number yet but I hope that as I share these special feelings with the cyberworld that I will be able to convey truly what the spirit of Nauvoo, IL has done for me.

  A little bit of background information....The City of Joseph was an outdoor musical that ran for almost 30 years.  Here's my blog entry from before on a little history of the City of Joseph and what it means to me.  When it was announced that it was being discontinued, for many of us, it felt like something inside of us was dying.  I bawled my eyes out that very last night of our performance as we stood on stage and with the audience sang "God Be With You Til We Meet Again."  It was sad, it was heartwrenching, and life continued.  We went back the next year to check out "the new pageant" and there was some (ok ALOT) of bias on my end.  I couldn't get past everything this new pageant wasn't.  I couldn't look at what all it WAS.  And it definitely WASN'T the City of Joseph.

  And it wasn't supposed to be.

  I am a believer that things happen for a reason and the timing is never a coincidence.  The City of Joseph did a lot of good for it's run.   Something that was said often during the Nauvoo and British Pageants was the phrase "stand on the shoulders of those before you."  The City of Joseph built the foundation for the Nauvoo Pageant to stand and grow on its shoulders. The Nauvoo Pageant: A Tribute to Joseph Smith came at the time Nauvoo and the community needed it.

 Last summer, when we were back in Nauvoo for a City of Joseph Reunion, was the first summer of a new pageant.  The British Pageant.  I was intrigued, and not biased, and didn't have any grudges against it, and I LOVED it.  It moved at a pace that felt a lot like City of Joseph.  It had so many different stories and different things going on. It gave history and background, it shared the Restoration, it shared the gospel, and you could feel why the British Saints left all they knew to come to Zion.  I wanted to be a part of it. For the first time in a long time, I longed to be onstage again.  Thankfully, my parents were experiencing similar feelings and decided to apply and see what happens.  I am the only one of my siblings that does not have a significant other, or children, or something that's keeping me anywhere and I got put on the application too.  Long story short, we were accepted and plans started being made for 2 weeks in Nauvoo.

  If you've read previous entries, to say that this past school year was a little rough would be an understatement.  Often times I would catch myself dreading going to Nauvoo.  I just wanted a summer full of relaxing.  Or a summer by myself. OR OR OR other things that were pretty focused on myself.  Thankfully, I didn't bail and I was exactly where I needed to be for those 2 weeks in July this summer.

The Lord is so aware of us and knowledgeable of our needs.  He loves us so much that He won't just hand things to us.  We learn and grow as we discover and understand all things temporal and spiritual.  I am grateful that I am reminded of this daily and am (slowly) accepting His will and His timing as my own.

 Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a living modern day Apostle, took his family on vacation and brought them to Nauvoo while we were there.  We had the opportunity to have him speak to us in the cast the night of our first official performance.  He said a lot of things that have stuck with me, but the best thing was that he put into words what I had been feeling since I was 10 years old.  He commented on how for the early Saints, Nauvoo was the brightest spot in their history.  It was the closest they had gotten to living a perfect Zion society.  And we, for this brief amount of time, have the opportunity to recreate that feeling of Zion.

BOOM! Mic drop.  That's it!  Nauvoo in and of itself has a special spirit and feeling that you cannot help but experience.  But performing in these pageants, working toward the same goal, instantly loving and feeling like family to complete strangers, bearing your testimony in such a unique way, LOVING unconditionally all you come in contact with and being willing to do anything to help them and support them in anyway you can, THAT is Zion.

Yes, I have felt blips of that throughout my life, especially on my mission.  BUT not close to that magnitude.  One of the families that was there that had participated in the new pageants for many years shared that their family refers to Nauvoo as "Zion's Camp." And that's exactly what it was.  The challenge now, share that light and those feelings with everyone you come into contact with and recreate Zion wherever you go.  It is possible.  And I'm ready for that challenge.

The Amazing Blue Cast-The family cast we were definitely supposed to be a part of as we went on this adventure.

The End, and The Beginning

It is that time of year again.

The time when all of the kids in school start getting really excited about not being in school.

The time when all of the parents start preparing for the summer adventures (or list of chores) that will be ready for their kids.

The time when all teachers are hoping and praying they've done the best they could and just have to leave the rest to the future of the students.

The time of year when memories are thought about, laughed about, cleaned out of lockers, and a few more are made.

The time of year when the spring rains clear out the winter weather and get us all ready for the summer sun.

The time of year when we are all ready for a change of pace and surroundings.

The time of year when we remember the past year (the good and the bad), try to live in the moment, and look forward to the future.

   I am exhausted.  It's a weird kind of exhaustion though.  I can still function and be "normal"  but I am definitely going through the motions.  This school year has been full of ups and downs, lefts and rights, zigzags and stand stills.  And that's not a bad thing.  It's just, exhausting.  I have been working on figuring out a few things in my life and my principal gave me some amazing advice:

"Sleep!  You are exhausted, you're body is tired, you've been through a lot.  Do not make important decisions when you are recovering from the school year and surgery.  Give it a little bit and then revisit it"

  I have a very hard time showing vulnerability and admitting weakness.  My whole life I have felt people look to me to always be there and be in control.  Often times I've been described with words like "dependable, responsible, on-top-of-everything"  which is completely fine.  To be honest, I recognize that it's part of my personality.  I like knowing what is going on and knowing what is coming.  Part of the reason why this year has been exhausting is because I've been facing that and working with being ok with just letting go.

  So when my principal said that to me I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me.  I didn't have to stress about my life decisions anytime soon.  There is no rush and no deadline in the near future.  And after talking to some really good friends I am still a little scared (a lot of scared) for what is in store for me and whether or not it's the appropriate time for a few things any point soon.  

  As I've been looking at my options I've been focusing on 2 of them and neither one of them have felt completely right.  I feel that there may be another one that hasn't presented itself yet and it makes me nervous, anxious, excited, and ready.  

   With all that going on in my brain,  The end of the year is here.  And I'm (you guessed it) exhausted.

BUT 

I am also excited.

Excited to catch up on true rest.

Excited to just read some books for fun without feeling guilty.

Excited to be able to serve others a little bit more.

Excited for the adventures that are coming this summer.

Excited to work on my faith.

Excited to grow and build some friendships and connections.

Excited for a road trip(anyone up for one in June?)

Excited for being able to feel like ME again.

That being said, I have 2 theme songs all ready for the summer.  One I feel is the perfect ending to this post.  Describing how I'm ready to take the jump, the leap, and love whatever comes my way.

(You should look up the other music video of this one, it's weird and funny and I like it)

And oh...here's my other Summer anthem.  

Because who doesn't love a song that just makes you want to dance.

Here's to summer, sunglasses, tans, and all sorts of adventures, to the end, and to the beginning.

Just say Geronimo, jump, Shut UP! and oh dance :)

Nearing the Deadline

I was watching Steel Magnolias today while I was grading.  Toward the beginning Julia Roberts' character said something that hit me pretty strongly:

That was it.  That is what I have been afraid to let happen.  But I have been putting off the possibility of those thirty minutes. I have been dealing with so many storms and responsibilities that I haven't allowed myself a wonderful.  I've let excuses and reasons stop me...

For the past 6 months I have been riding out the storm telling everyone "February will tell me what will happen next." Which translates too-I'm avoiding life and not allowing myself wonderful because this way is a whole lot easier. On Thursday I had another echo-cardiogram.  (Since I knew what my problem was this time the technician was able to point out things and I got to see what was going on with my heart. Which was really cool.)

I've been pretty good about this whole thing.  I'll admit that.  But I am also confident in admitting that I am FREAKING OUT!!!

My 6 months are up.  This whole time I've been avoiding decisions and putting off really thinking about the rest of my life.

On Wednesday I have my follow up appointment.  This one will tell me if I'm staying in Utah, at the same school, doing the same thing until it is time to be cut open.  OR it will tell me I can go on a different adventure, go off to a different city, start fresh and new, and do something different until it is time to be cut open.

I am getting antsy.

Everything I see reminds me of the two different options that are now right in front of my face.  The end of Friends when Rachel is planning on going off to Paris and starting a new job there. All of her excitement and outlook is contagious.
Spending time with all of my friends, loved ones, and their families, thinking about staying and watching all of their babies continue to learn and grow.

Neither option is completely perfect.

Both requires a sacrifice of sorts.  Both have positive, happy parts.  Both require a lot of faith.  Both are bittersweet.

So today I decided to do something different with my hair (if anyone has any ideas, I'm open to them).   I also am looking at possibilities of places to visit.  I am procrastinating work.  Avoiding life....Needless to say my Deadline is nearing and I am.Freaking.Out.

Wednesday will determine the next path I'm heading down.
Wednesday. The day after Tuesday.
Wednesday.

Wednesday.

It's a Miracle

    6 years ago I had the opportunity to witness my nephew join this amazing world.  8 years ago I got to be in the hospital when my sister's first son blessed us with his presence.  I didn't have a blog then so I couldn't share my thoughts about it.

I still remember.

My sister Megan is 6 years older than I am.  She's my older sister and I'm thankful for the relationship that we have been able to nourish and grow over the years.   I came out to BYU for college in 2006 and she was pregnant with her 1st.  I hadn't seen her in a while and I remember thinking "Woah, she's REALLY pregnant"  (I've always been such a nice little sister lol)  I had 4 other nieces and nephews so this wasn't my first but this was MEGAN.  It was her first.  And none of our other family members were going to be around when he was born.  It was in October, I was "studying" aka hanging out in my dorm room procrastinating, and the phone rang.  It was Ollie calmly asking if I wanted to go for a ride to the hospital.  I put all of my stuff in my backpack and ran across the street to their apartment.  Megan was wearing one of the jumpers from sister Casey (they know what I'm talking about) and she had her green flipflops on...the ONLY reason I remember that was because it was snowing outside(yes in October) and as she was shuffling to the car (because apparently it's hard to walk when you are 9 months pregnant and having contractions) I was scared to death that she was going to slip and fall. The next thing I know we are at the hospital and the staff is taking their sweet little time checking her in (since "it's her first" which is supposed to mean that it will take forever).  I was getting nervous and nervous because I could see how much pain Megan was in and they weren't doing anything about it!  They FINALLY took her to the delivery room.  I unloaded all the bags and stuff I was carrying.  As I tried to walk out there was a flourish of activity (because apparently she was farther along than they thought--HA!) so I went and curled up in a chair with my homework and waited for what seemed like FOREVER until Oliver finally came and found me...and I got to meet Evan Ray.


Fast forward 2 years.  Megan was a week late so it was decided to induce her.  Oliver and I were both in school and it happened to be a time when we had finals or midterms or something.  The day they decided to induce her was a reading day.  We piled into the car in the morning and headed to the hospital.  Meg had invited me to be in the room when the baby was born so I was pretty nervous excited.  I remember telling my friends that I was going to be in the room and most of them thought I was weird or thought it was gross that I wanted to be in the room for it.  I remember being jealous of Megan because she got to be there for my niece Alexia's birth and my older siblings had witnessed the birth of some of us younger ones.  I felt that I was missing out on an experience...needless to say I was excited.  That day kind of dragged on.  Oliver and I tried to study and entertain Megan because things were not happening at the pace that all of us wanted.  I remember them teaching me some card game, I think it was spite and malice...anyway...after a while and making some decisions with the doctor it was time.  I sat on the windowsill, out of the way, but still very much aware of what was going on in the room....And then I witnessed what I can only describe as the most spiritual, horrific, closest to heaven experience I've ever witnessed in my life.  Tears sprang to my eyes as I watched my sister use all of her strength and effort to bring a new spirit into the world.  And she did it! She was amazing! And wonderful and I'm so so so proud of her.


Fast forward 6 years.  The closer we got to the due date the more anxious we all got.  And this time Megan wasn't right across the street or 5 minutes away.  I was driving home from a basketball game and decided to check in.  So I call Megan and she answered kind of breathless (I recognized that tone of voice and got a little excited)  and she said that she was just sending us all a message to update us.  In that instant I had the thought "I should drive up there right now" but then I doubted that and told myself that they hadn't gone to the hospital yet and who knows how long it would be and I had school the next day...yadda yadda yadda.   I'm sad I didn't listen to my guy instinct.  So I drove home, went to FHE, and then 3 hours later got the picture of my sister holding a newborn baby boy.  :)

The very next day you better believe I was driving up to Toelle to be with my new nephew.  This was the first of Megan's babies that I wasn't at the hospital for.  Not that she needed me any of those times, but I liked being there.  I liked being her connection to home.  And that may or may not have influenced my amount of spoiling this baby boy :)

I made it to the hospital and still got to be with him when he was less than 24 hours old.  And still got to be amazed by my big sister Megan.  I know she is trying to do the best she can to raise 3 boys in this fun world.  And I am excited to watch them as they continue to grow and explore and experience all this world has to offer.

Welcome to the world Scott Griffith Hansen.   You've come to a great family and you've already blessed us in more ways than I can count.