Time to Fill a Blank Year!

                Once upon a time, I was looking around on Pinterest and discovered this article:

                 http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/how-to-de-clutter-your-entire-life#.itDPpw42z

      

         I can't lie 2014 was definitely not on "My Top 5 Years in Life" but I also know that I didn't decide to make it that way either.  Sure there were good things. I finally got a passport and left the United States for the first time ever.  I went on an awesome cruise, spent 2 weeks in Costa Rica with my mom, bought a car that I wanted instead of what was convenient, grew in my testimony in the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, finally worked on some Family History and was able to do temple work for one of my ancestors, just to name a few things.  There were some difficult times as well (see many previous posts about my health lol) FINALLY getting back to the real me after a pretty intense "world rocking" experience-yes that is a good thing but it was very very hard, finding out that my bill of health isn't getting bigger but longer, dealing with mild depression, working through some personal issues that may have been easier to leave untouched, questioning what I was doing with my life and if I was where I needed to be, realizing I can't say no because I hate letting people down....and that list goes on and on.

Needless to say I am ok with a fresh new year.  As I was reading through the article of how to "De-Clutter" your life sure some things applied to me and some things didn't, BUT I was getting excited about starting a clean year.  And this time I am going to make it one of the "Top 5" Because I am choosing to.  No one and no circumstances is going to rob me of memories and happiness in 2015.  I will probably continue to learn and grow but I'm done being passive.  That is not me and it's not my personality.  2015 is the year I live MY life.

One of the ways I plan on doing that is being organized.  I put together a binder.

  I saw a lot on Pinterest that gave me ideas (I can give you those sites if you are interested) and those were mostly for families, I took them and adapted them to fit me.  With my budget and finances, health, travel plans, future wants, and a few other things.  I'm pretty excited to see how long it will last and if it will help.

I'm also going to work on a better productive spiritual me and mental me.  One way I'm going to do that is, to start off, have a weekly "Service Ninja" moment where I sneakily provide service once a week.  Towards the end of 2014 I have gotten back to my grateful Journal.  To help me not feel so overwhelmed, every Sunday I take some time to write down what things I'm grateful for throughout the whole week.  I plan on reading fun books more.  

And of course there's the physical healthy me...I finally made an appointment with a knee doctor.  I have used that as an excuse for a really long time. Time to get rid of excuses and get to work.  It may be difficult but vale la pena (It's worth it).   

So many plans, but that's it.  A better healthier me realizes that I can't just make a bunch of plans or goals, I need to start out small.  A few DOABLE things at a time.  

Happy New Year! 

And may you have a great refreshing year and it makes it to your "Top 5" as well.

My Day with Katherine Altringer

    I have mentioned once or twice before about The Plan of Salvation.  The Plan of Salvation is the Truth the drives me and all of my decisions and actions in my life.  It is the knowledge that we lived before we came to this Earth, we are here on for a purpose, to gain experiences and choose to follow Heavenly Father through the Gospel of Jesus Christ and all of the restored Truths, and then we will live again AFTER this life.  We will all be resurrected and receive the glory that we want and have earned.  And we have this whoollleee life to make choices, live with the consequences, repent, and learn from it all.  That being said:

        I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.   We believe in this Truth of the Plan of Salvation.  We believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  One has faith, which leads to repentance, and then one feels the desire to be baptized by immersion with someone who has the proper authority, and then you receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost, the last part of the Gospel is the most important part: Endure to the End through continual repentance and participating in other important ordinances and covenants with Heavenly Father.
    So that's all great and good,  but what about those people that lived on this Earth that didn't have the chance to participate in those saving ordinances OR the ones that didn't even know that Christ existed OR the ones that weren't given the opportunity to learn and follow the Gospel of Jesus Christ?  If Heavenly Father is a fair and just God wouldn't He have to hold everyone to the same standard?  Part of Christ's mission when He came to the Earth, besides the Atonement was mentioned in 1 Peter 4:6  For for this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.

1 Peter 3:19 talks about how Christ preached to the Spirits in Spirit Prison between His death and resurrection.  

So if Christ set up missionary work in the afterlife, how will those people that have passed on, that have decided to accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ, receive those savings ordinances? Enter the concept of vicarious work for the dead.  This was something that the ancient church participated in (1 Corinthians 15:29) When the Gospel of Jesus Christ was restored in it's entirety the culminating part of it, was restoring the practice of vicarious work for the dead.

 That is part of the reason why family history is such a big deal to myself and other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I want to give my ancestors and those who have been here before me, a chance and opportunity to accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ and have those savings ordinances.  Just because I do the work for them does not mean that they are stuck there, THEY get to choose.  I'm just providing them that opportunity.

  Not only that, by participating in these ordinances for and in behalf of others, I am reminded constantly of the ordinances and covenants that I personally have taken part in.  It helps me endure to the end and in turn provides an opportunity for others to do so who may not otherwise have had that chance.

  Where does this all take place?

In the temple, the House of the Lord.  

  A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to look and look and look and find someone that needed her work done.  It didn't take long before I found her: My Grandpa's Great-great Grandma, Katherine Altringer.  She was born in 1826 in Germany.  That's really all we know about her,  She died sometime before 1900.
   BUT I did find a lot about her husband.  There were many different records about his name Mathias Vs Mathew Strehlan vs Strelen vs Strehlen.  It was quite the headache.  He was born in Germany and immigrated here so that brought a lot of the different changes.  As I was researching Ancestry.com popped up with hints and possibilities.  There was a copy of the Civil War Draft which was neat.  Another census record showed that they immigrated in 1952...and then...there it was!  His birth and christening records from Germany with his parents names and his exact birth date.  So I put that in and turns out his work has already been done, since 1983!
   It was time, time for Katherine to have a chance to receive these sacred ordinances.  And then my sister and brother-in-law can take her and Mathias to the temple and they can be sealed for time and all eternity, and we can seal my great-great grandma to her parents and we can continue to link our family together.

This weekend has been Fall Break.  On Friday I woke up early (early for a day off) and spent the morning in the temple with my great-great-great Grandma.

Her work is not completely done, we need to find her parents and make sure we get all of her children sealed to her.  BUT she has been baptized, confirmed, and other sacred ordinances.  It was the first time I had found someone myself and done their work.  It was special and a rush.  I'm excited to keep going and keep finding and connecting my family.  I think I've found Mathias' parents and if I'm right, his dad was born in 1797.  Also if that document was correct it also said that Katherine and Mathias lived in Idenheim, Rhineland, Prussia in 1850.  SO COOL.  The history geek in me is loving this stuff and finding the personal story of those individuals that lived so long ago.

Yeah for family and the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and the ability to have answers that make sense and feel right.  Yeah for the Plan of Salvation and the purpose that it gives my life and the answers that it provides me for what life throws at me.  And the best part is, it's not just for me, it is for everyone.

Embracing the Storm

      When I was younger storms scared me.  Literally. On the outside I always tried to make it seem like I was super calm and collected, but really I was super anxious and all I wanted to do was curl up, on the huge bunk bed my dad made for us girls, and hide.  I was that way for a long time...until 4th grade.  I remember being at school and the tornado sirens went off.  Being from the Midwest every 1st Tuesday of every month we had tornado drills.  The tornado sirens would go off and we would all have to get under our desks...well this occasion in 4th grade was a little different.  This time as I looked out the window I saw the sky turn green.  I knew what was coming and then...WWRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHH (That's the tornado siren, if you've ever experienced one then you can attest to the likeliness of it :) We all had to get under our desks and it wasn't the first Tuesday of the month.  I wasn't anywhere near my big awesome safe indestructible feeling bunk bed.  I couldn't just run home to our underground house that makes you feel safe from tornadoes.

See....who wouldn't feel safe from the storm here?

    So as I faced my fears...stuck under this desk with my 4th grade brain going a mile a minute about what happened if a tornado hit and where the rest of my family was and how I was going to get home, and, and, and, and....(I guess I've always be a little over-thinky)  The siren stopped, they let us go home and I survived.  That same weekend (I think) there was another storm and I was home.  There were 2 reported tornadoes close to my house.  Surviving the thing at school gave me a little more courage and since I was at home, my safe place, and I could run back inside if I got too scared.  And as I faced my fear, as I stood out trying to catch a glimpse of the 2 funnel clouds, which happened with the silhouette of them lit up by lightning, and feeling the wind rush past me, and listening to the rain on the roof of our patio, I came to appreciate the beauty of  the storm.  From then on, whenever a big storm would come up I would find excuses to run out in the downpour buckets and buckets of rain. I would sit out on the porch and watch the lightning.  To this day I love storms.

    I find it ironic that I named the last post "A Storm Brewing Inside" and it was full of so many unknowns and my anxiety.

   I am grateful for everyone who has reached out to me after that last post.  And since then, I have been trying hard to find the beauty in this storm.

  I don't live in Illinois anymore and I don't have my underground house as my safe place.  But as I've gone through the storms of my life I have come to have a relationship with my loving Heavenly Father and I have a new safe house...1 of many:

  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is my safe place.  The House of the Lord, The Temple.  I can go into any of them and feel of the spirit and recharge my batteries.  I can go into them and meditate and study and focus on Heavenly Father and His Plan of Salvation.

   A few weeks ago I went to the temple, it was raining. Inside I studied courage.  That's what I've been missing.  That's what I need to get through this next year and the choices that lay ahead of me.  All the scriptures I found didn't say anything about praying to have courage. It just said Be of good courage.  Have courage.  Do it (one literally said be of good courage "do it").

   

   I have been learning a lot about myself.  I am taking this time to work on me.  And not be overwhelmed.  I have been taking it slower than normal.  Trying to prioritize.  I had an "ah-ha" moment the other day.  Long story short, I was in a pretty serious relationship and it ended with no explanation whatsoever.  Now after more than a year I realized that because I have no real explanation, I am blaming myself.  I am blaming myself for losing that glimpse of happiness I had and it kills me that I feel like it's my fault I don't have...well life could be different.  And who knows if it was or wasn't my fault...and I doubt I will ever know.

   As I was realizing this I came to an even bigger realization...I take responsibility for things going wrong.  When I hear about something going wrong or bad and I feel like I had some control over it, I take personal responsibility for it.  I beat myself up about.  I feel guilty.  I take a personal shot at myself...right in the gut.  That's why I said yes to tennis...It would've eaten away at me if it had to be canceled because no one stepped up to coach. 

THAT'S NOT HEALTHY!!!!!

   That is just one example of things I've learned.  And I'm working on them.  Along with being myself and never letting anyone demean me. Or make me feel bad for being me.  

Life is still stormy.  I'm slowly making my way through it.  I have decided that I could wallow and stumble my way through this storm inside me...Or I can find the beauty in it.  I plan on taking down my umbrella and let it rain on me.

A Storm Brewing Inside

   I debated blogging this, but I can't get it out of my head and I'm the type of person who, if they don't have an outlet of some kind, will have a bit of an explosion and who knows when or where it would hit.  Before I go any further I just want to put in a disclaimer:  I love being a teacher and a coach and working with youth.  It is crazy hard, hardly ever fulfilling but I have enjoyed it.  This post is a brutally honest one.  I open up a lot more than I ever do because I feel like it may help me in some way.  Please don't criticize my vulnerability or my low place.
 
That being said the past few weeks have been heart wrenching for me.  In my hometown, good old Galesburg, IL school was delayed a few weeks because the teachers were on strike.  They felt their needs were not being met and they stood up for themselves.  That is admirable.  I know how heartwrenching it was for many of them, because education is their life.  But when do you put your foot down, say enough is enough, and stop people from walking all over you?   That whole situation (even though I was across the country from it) shook me up more than I wanted to admit.
     A few other things happened.  I was approached about coaching tennis.  This was a huge shock for me because, well, I know absolutely NADA, nothing, zilch about this sport and here I was being asked to be in charge of it.  The clinching words for me were "If you don't do it we will probably have to cancel the program"  That I couldn't take.  I couldn't handle the thought of someone not being able to participate in something they wanted to do because no one was there to run in.  They said that they would rather have a positive influence, than nobody at all.  So...the sucker that I am, I said yes.  Thankfully they found someone who actually knew the sport and hired him as the head coach.  They still asked me to be assistant coach and I was hesitant to take it on (part of me wanted the challenge, another part was lazy and didn't want to do it)  Well the challenge part won, especially when they told me they just wanted me to basically be the liaison between the head coach and school.  Ok, I can do that. It is really hard.  I won't sugar coat it.  I am trying to make it fun and enjoyable but some days I just want a huge hug because it is hard working with someone who knows the sport but has never coached before.  It is hard going from a competitive team sport (like basketball) to a maybe competitive but we just want everybody to have fun and want to play again sport.  It is hard for me to think of someone who is older than me as a peer, a colleague.  I struggle with that.
    And then I'm sitting in a faculty meeting and we are being bombarded (which isn't unusual for the first part of school) with all of these things that we need to be doing this year.  My school is getting accredited this year which amps up the need for paperwork and keeping track of data...all the things, in a perfect world, we should be doing already.  And then it was mentioned again how sometime down the road it will all be performance based pay, and we have to get a physical for insurance otherwise they will take money from our pay check, and we have a different kind of insurance which is called high deductible which for someone who has her own team of medical specialists means I am paying a lot more money than I feel comfortable thinking about, and, and, and... I was feeling smothered by all of these red tape things.  All of these new laws.  All of these hoops that we have to jump through.  All of these things that feels like busy work to add onto teaching the youth of tomorrow, grading their papers, evaluating what they've learned, trying to reteach them, dealing with the hormones and emotions, supporting their hopes and dreams while still trying to guide them and help them to become useful citizens of the United States.  Teaching them life skills and how to respect each other...Long story short if I was the type of person who had panic attacks...I probably would have one every day.
    I seriously thought during that faculty meeting "That's it. I'm done. I can't do this anymore."
I'm not happy.  And I don't know if it is my career, if it is just because it's the start of school and I'm still not in the swing of things, if I just need a change of scenery, if it's because I'm not where I want to be in other aspects of my life (i.e. Married with kids or getting ready to have kids, and having someone there to just hold you when life sucks or to atleast hold your hand through the crap) I don't know.  It kills me that I can't say that I am even content.

And then comes the other voice in my head..."Stick it out Nat.  You have health issues.  You made a commitment.  You need this job to survive in life.  You need the health insurance (even though it is not ideal) You are just being lazy. Grow up and live with it.  Do what you gotta do. Your parents did that to provide for you and all of your siblings.  You are just one person, no problem. Deal with it."

So I started thinking about the Galesburg teachers.  When was enough enough for them?
I've thought about my family.  Many of them are the type to just "Deal with it." Whatever the IT may be.  Some of them have pulled through it and are in a way better place and it worked.  Some of them I've witnessed talk themselves into happiness or a place of limbo.
We put others before us because we know we can "Deal with it" or handle the crappy situation while making life easier for everyone else.
I do it in relationships.  My past one I did everything I could to make the other person happy which in my brain translated to "whatever they want."  I am slowly learning that I am allowed to have what I want.  I'm allowed a bit of my own happiness even if it is inconvenient to someone else.  And even though I feel so selfish sometimes when I think that I have to remind myself that I am a Daughter of God and a amazing woman. I DESERVE to be happy.
----Example: I just bought a new car.  One that I wanted.  I test drove a bunch and did not like one of the salesmen but I loved the car.  After some great advice, I went back, asked for a new salesmen, and ended up finding a great deal (exactly what I wanted) for an even better version of the car I wanted.  It was awesome.  It was liberating.  It was a rush to be firm and be happy with the choice and stand up for yourself.

That being said, I'm stuck.  I don't know where to go from here.  I don't know if I do need a career change.  I have played with so many possibilities and thoughts.  I don't know what to do. When do I say enough is enough?

I love teaching and coaching.  I love working with youth.  I hate how under appreciated it all seems.  I hate how unsatisfied I am.  I hate that I feel like I am not giving 110% because I don't know if it's even worth it.  I hate letting people down.

I've played with a lot of different other career choices: National Geographic Photographer (dream job) some kind of nurse, emt, Peace Corps, Travel Agent, Tour guide, CIA.

I don't know if the emptiness is coming from the void in my life that should be my own family or if it is something else. When I am honest, I do know that these feelings from work would 80-90% still exist if I was married.  So I don't think my social life is a huge factor in this instance.

I am smiley and happy. I am trying to figure this all out. It doesn't mean I am miserable all the time. There are just those low points.  Maybe it is some level of depression.  Maybe I'm just exhausted and didn't know what else to do tonight.

Either way,

Life is hard.  I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I know that He loves me and is so aware of me and my situation in life and what I'm going through.  I just wish...well a lot of things.  But right now....I wouldn't mind feeling happy or content for longer than 12 hours.  That's not too much to ask, is it?


Again I apologize for the openness and candidness.  I even thought about applying for the Bachelor because I have no idea what else to do or where to go from here HAHA.  I'm using this as a therapy tool.  I'm not sure how long I'll even have this post public.  Please do not look at me with sympathy.  I am fine.  Struggling. But fine.  And needed this storm brewing inside to be released.

City of Joseph, City Beautiful

    After Costa Rica I went straight to Kansas City and spent basically 2 wonderful weeks with my sister and her family.  I loved it.  But I'm not going to write about that.  I'm going to write about what I did this past weekend.
    First! Background Info:   When I was 3 months old, I was in a musical.  My family had participated in an outdoor musical in Nauvoo called The City of Joseph in 1987 and then again in 1988. They even made the program picture for a while. See:

But there were a lot of different things that came up, and depending on who you talk to in my family there are a few reasons why we didn't go back and do it again.  But that doesn't mean it wasn't a part of our lives.  We would go down and watch it and then in 1997 my sister Megan said that for her 16th birthday she wanted to be in it again.  So we applied and in 1998 my family was back in!

I was 10 that year and was just ready to be social and experience this dream of being a part of City of Joseph. We were in it every year since then until it ended in 2004.  Every summer for 2 weeks we would take our bus--Yeah, it was a real bus.  A 1952 that someone had converted to an RV and basically gave it to Pop--So we would take it and a few tents and make our little compound where we lived for the hottest 2 weeks of the year.  We would practice and practice and perform in front of thousands of people.

A lot of things happened during those 2 weeks that made an impact in my life.  I made lifelong friends.  I found my testimony in Joseph Smith.  I remember sitting back behind stage during Oh My Father and again a few years later during the Temple Scene.  They had a temple prop that would light up...it was so powerful to me.  There was no doubt in my mind that this is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church on this earth.  Other things that happened in my life...I grew up.  The 10 year old me was different than the 16 year old me.  But the "City of Joseph" kept me going.  I learned a lot of new card games.  I got my first kiss.  I had the chance to be a missionary and share the gospel with others not only by talking with them, but performing and singing.  I served others and had the importance of service reiterated in my mind.  I got to truly be a part of Nauvoo.  I became a better me.

This weekend we had a City of Joseph Reunion.  It was 10 years since the last year we performed.  A lot had changed...but the feeling of Nauvoo, the spirit of Nauvoo never will.

I was reminded of how special it really was.  How much we really grew together.  How people from all over the states and even a few from other countries could come together with one purpose and put something together in 5 days that was so unforgettable and special that it touched hearts and changed lives.  How grateful I am for the opportunity.  (I remember people giving me a hard time because that's all that I seemed to be able to talk about with my friends.  That was the big thing my family did every year. And only those who lived it truly 100% get it.) How much I wish so many people could have that experience as well.  I could write books and books about that experience.  The history behind it, the amazing spiritual experiences so many individuals had, that miracles that took place, my own story, etc. Needless to say, it's a chapter in my life.

I love Nauvoo, Illinois.  It really is part of who I am and I feel a connection to it.  I don't have any pioneer ancestors that lived there.  But through the City of Joseph I became one of those pioneers.  It touched my life and it will always be a part of me. It is so hard for me to put into words exactly how I feel.  Just trust me when I say that to me, it's a big deal :)

http://youtu.be/uls-RVEtP7c

The "City of Joseph" is no longer running.  But there is a pageant still in Nauvoo.  It's not the same.  But it is working toward the same goal.  Bringing people and inviting others to come unto Christ.  I'm grateful we got to be a part of something that has helped build and strengthen Nauvoo and the community around it.  Nauvoo is what it is today in part because of City of Joseph.  And when a hot day comes in the summer time where you just want to hole up in AC...I can't think of a place I'd rather be than on that bend in the river.

Costa Rica Adventure Day 12- So long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

   The time has come for us to say goodbye to Gatitos and all of the amazing wonderful people, and the spirit that was there.  It didn't help that it was a pretty dreary day...Even the sky was sad to see us go.  :)
    We played a lot.  Mom taught a few of them the dot game and I just wandered basically playing between a few of them.  Mayela doesn't usually come in on Fridays but she came in today and pulled me into her office.  She explained that they were going to get us a jar with a picture of us and the kids...but it didn't work.  And then they were going to print off a calendar but they ran out of ink.  I told them not to worry about it but then she gave me the best gift. She explained how grateful she was that we had come.  She has been running Daycares for 25 years and nobody offered to help until now.  The kids are in school (this is like Winter for Costa Rica) So that past 2 weeks they have been on their winter break.  This break has been a very unique experience for the kids.  We've brought a new culture to them and introduced them to a lot.  They have learned so much and we have learned so much from them.  She told me that she can see a difference in the kids with having us around.  And their parents are happy and content with us coming.  They sent their thanks with her about what we did for their kids over these past 2 weeks.  I'm grateful to her for sharing that with me.  We were only here for 2 weeks and I doubt the kids will remember us if at all...But just like being a teacher, for that short amount of time we did what we could to help their lives to be a little bit better.  And I don't regret it at all.
    Mayela and her daughter both cried.  As we were leaving one of the older girls told her little sister she was coming to the US with us...and even walked us to the best stop.  Her little sister was bawling her eyes out.  Poor kid (but the sister in me laughed a lot...I'm a jerk lol)
   I'm sad to leave the kids.  But I'm excited for how the volunteers will help them and hopefully they will help them have a better life in the future and success in their lives.

And they are going to miss Mi Mama.