When I was younger storms scared me. Literally. On the outside I always tried to make it seem like I was super calm and collected, but really I was super anxious and all I wanted to do was curl up, on the huge bunk bed my dad made for us girls, and hide. I was that way for a long time...until 4th grade. I remember being at school and the tornado sirens went off. Being from the Midwest every 1st Tuesday of every month we had tornado drills. The tornado sirens would go off and we would all have to get under our desks...well this occasion in 4th grade was a little different. This time as I looked out the window I saw the sky turn green. I knew what was coming and then...WWRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHH (That's the tornado siren, if you've ever experienced one then you can attest to the likeliness of it :) We all had to get under our desks and it wasn't the first Tuesday of the month. I wasn't anywhere near my big awesome safe indestructible feeling bunk bed. I couldn't just run home to our underground house that makes you feel safe from tornadoes.
See....who wouldn't feel safe from the storm here?
So as I faced my fears...stuck under this desk with my 4th grade brain going a mile a minute about what happened if a tornado hit and where the rest of my family was and how I was going to get home, and, and, and, and....(I guess I've always be a little over-thinky) The siren stopped, they let us go home and I survived. That same weekend (I think) there was another storm and I was home. There were 2 reported tornadoes close to my house. Surviving the thing at school gave me a little more courage and since I was at home, my safe place, and I could run back inside if I got too scared. And as I faced my fear, as I stood out trying to catch a glimpse of the 2 funnel clouds, which happened with the silhouette of them lit up by lightning, and feeling the wind rush past me, and listening to the rain on the roof of our patio, I came to appreciate the beauty of the storm. From then on, whenever a big storm would come up I would find excuses to run out in the downpour buckets and buckets of rain. I would sit out on the porch and watch the lightning. To this day I love storms.
I find it ironic that I named the last post "A Storm Brewing Inside" and it was full of so many unknowns and my anxiety.
I am grateful for everyone who has reached out to me after that last post. And since then, I have been trying hard to find the beauty in this storm.
I don't live in Illinois anymore and I don't have my underground house as my safe place. But as I've gone through the storms of my life I have come to have a relationship with my loving Heavenly Father and I have a new safe house...1 of many:
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is my safe place. The House of the Lord, The Temple. I can go into any of them and feel of the spirit and recharge my batteries. I can go into them and meditate and study and focus on Heavenly Father and His Plan of Salvation.
A few weeks ago I went to the temple, it was raining. Inside I studied courage. That's what I've been missing. That's what I need to get through this next year and the choices that lay ahead of me. All the scriptures I found didn't say anything about praying to have courage. It just said Be of good courage. Have courage. Do it (one literally said be of good courage "do it").
I have been learning a lot about myself. I am taking this time to work on me. And not be overwhelmed. I have been taking it slower than normal. Trying to prioritize. I had an "ah-ha" moment the other day. Long story short, I was in a pretty serious relationship and it ended with no explanation whatsoever. Now after more than a year I realized that because I have no real explanation, I am blaming myself. I am blaming myself for losing that glimpse of happiness I had and it kills me that I feel like it's my fault I don't have...well life could be different. And who knows if it was or wasn't my fault...and I doubt I will ever know.
As I was realizing this I came to an even bigger realization...I take responsibility for things going wrong. When I hear about something going wrong or bad and I feel like I had some control over it, I take personal responsibility for it. I beat myself up about. I feel guilty. I take a personal shot at myself...right in the gut. That's why I said yes to tennis...It would've eaten away at me if it had to be canceled because no one stepped up to coach.
THAT'S NOT HEALTHY!!!!!
That is just one example of things I've learned. And I'm working on them. Along with being myself and never letting anyone demean me. Or make me feel bad for being me.
Life is still stormy. I'm slowly making my way through it. I have decided that I could wallow and stumble my way through this storm inside me...Or I can find the beauty in it. I plan on taking down my umbrella and let it rain on me.
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