A Storm Brewing Inside

   I debated blogging this, but I can't get it out of my head and I'm the type of person who, if they don't have an outlet of some kind, will have a bit of an explosion and who knows when or where it would hit.  Before I go any further I just want to put in a disclaimer:  I love being a teacher and a coach and working with youth.  It is crazy hard, hardly ever fulfilling but I have enjoyed it.  This post is a brutally honest one.  I open up a lot more than I ever do because I feel like it may help me in some way.  Please don't criticize my vulnerability or my low place.
 
That being said the past few weeks have been heart wrenching for me.  In my hometown, good old Galesburg, IL school was delayed a few weeks because the teachers were on strike.  They felt their needs were not being met and they stood up for themselves.  That is admirable.  I know how heartwrenching it was for many of them, because education is their life.  But when do you put your foot down, say enough is enough, and stop people from walking all over you?   That whole situation (even though I was across the country from it) shook me up more than I wanted to admit.
     A few other things happened.  I was approached about coaching tennis.  This was a huge shock for me because, well, I know absolutely NADA, nothing, zilch about this sport and here I was being asked to be in charge of it.  The clinching words for me were "If you don't do it we will probably have to cancel the program"  That I couldn't take.  I couldn't handle the thought of someone not being able to participate in something they wanted to do because no one was there to run in.  They said that they would rather have a positive influence, than nobody at all.  So...the sucker that I am, I said yes.  Thankfully they found someone who actually knew the sport and hired him as the head coach.  They still asked me to be assistant coach and I was hesitant to take it on (part of me wanted the challenge, another part was lazy and didn't want to do it)  Well the challenge part won, especially when they told me they just wanted me to basically be the liaison between the head coach and school.  Ok, I can do that. It is really hard.  I won't sugar coat it.  I am trying to make it fun and enjoyable but some days I just want a huge hug because it is hard working with someone who knows the sport but has never coached before.  It is hard going from a competitive team sport (like basketball) to a maybe competitive but we just want everybody to have fun and want to play again sport.  It is hard for me to think of someone who is older than me as a peer, a colleague.  I struggle with that.
    And then I'm sitting in a faculty meeting and we are being bombarded (which isn't unusual for the first part of school) with all of these things that we need to be doing this year.  My school is getting accredited this year which amps up the need for paperwork and keeping track of data...all the things, in a perfect world, we should be doing already.  And then it was mentioned again how sometime down the road it will all be performance based pay, and we have to get a physical for insurance otherwise they will take money from our pay check, and we have a different kind of insurance which is called high deductible which for someone who has her own team of medical specialists means I am paying a lot more money than I feel comfortable thinking about, and, and, and... I was feeling smothered by all of these red tape things.  All of these new laws.  All of these hoops that we have to jump through.  All of these things that feels like busy work to add onto teaching the youth of tomorrow, grading their papers, evaluating what they've learned, trying to reteach them, dealing with the hormones and emotions, supporting their hopes and dreams while still trying to guide them and help them to become useful citizens of the United States.  Teaching them life skills and how to respect each other...Long story short if I was the type of person who had panic attacks...I probably would have one every day.
    I seriously thought during that faculty meeting "That's it. I'm done. I can't do this anymore."
I'm not happy.  And I don't know if it is my career, if it is just because it's the start of school and I'm still not in the swing of things, if I just need a change of scenery, if it's because I'm not where I want to be in other aspects of my life (i.e. Married with kids or getting ready to have kids, and having someone there to just hold you when life sucks or to atleast hold your hand through the crap) I don't know.  It kills me that I can't say that I am even content.

And then comes the other voice in my head..."Stick it out Nat.  You have health issues.  You made a commitment.  You need this job to survive in life.  You need the health insurance (even though it is not ideal) You are just being lazy. Grow up and live with it.  Do what you gotta do. Your parents did that to provide for you and all of your siblings.  You are just one person, no problem. Deal with it."

So I started thinking about the Galesburg teachers.  When was enough enough for them?
I've thought about my family.  Many of them are the type to just "Deal with it." Whatever the IT may be.  Some of them have pulled through it and are in a way better place and it worked.  Some of them I've witnessed talk themselves into happiness or a place of limbo.
We put others before us because we know we can "Deal with it" or handle the crappy situation while making life easier for everyone else.
I do it in relationships.  My past one I did everything I could to make the other person happy which in my brain translated to "whatever they want."  I am slowly learning that I am allowed to have what I want.  I'm allowed a bit of my own happiness even if it is inconvenient to someone else.  And even though I feel so selfish sometimes when I think that I have to remind myself that I am a Daughter of God and a amazing woman. I DESERVE to be happy.
----Example: I just bought a new car.  One that I wanted.  I test drove a bunch and did not like one of the salesmen but I loved the car.  After some great advice, I went back, asked for a new salesmen, and ended up finding a great deal (exactly what I wanted) for an even better version of the car I wanted.  It was awesome.  It was liberating.  It was a rush to be firm and be happy with the choice and stand up for yourself.

That being said, I'm stuck.  I don't know where to go from here.  I don't know if I do need a career change.  I have played with so many possibilities and thoughts.  I don't know what to do. When do I say enough is enough?

I love teaching and coaching.  I love working with youth.  I hate how under appreciated it all seems.  I hate how unsatisfied I am.  I hate that I feel like I am not giving 110% because I don't know if it's even worth it.  I hate letting people down.

I've played with a lot of different other career choices: National Geographic Photographer (dream job) some kind of nurse, emt, Peace Corps, Travel Agent, Tour guide, CIA.

I don't know if the emptiness is coming from the void in my life that should be my own family or if it is something else. When I am honest, I do know that these feelings from work would 80-90% still exist if I was married.  So I don't think my social life is a huge factor in this instance.

I am smiley and happy. I am trying to figure this all out. It doesn't mean I am miserable all the time. There are just those low points.  Maybe it is some level of depression.  Maybe I'm just exhausted and didn't know what else to do tonight.

Either way,

Life is hard.  I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I know that He loves me and is so aware of me and my situation in life and what I'm going through.  I just wish...well a lot of things.  But right now....I wouldn't mind feeling happy or content for longer than 12 hours.  That's not too much to ask, is it?


Again I apologize for the openness and candidness.  I even thought about applying for the Bachelor because I have no idea what else to do or where to go from here HAHA.  I'm using this as a therapy tool.  I'm not sure how long I'll even have this post public.  Please do not look at me with sympathy.  I am fine.  Struggling. But fine.  And needed this storm brewing inside to be released.