Nearing the Deadline

I was watching Steel Magnolias today while I was grading.  Toward the beginning Julia Roberts' character said something that hit me pretty strongly:

That was it.  That is what I have been afraid to let happen.  But I have been putting off the possibility of those thirty minutes. I have been dealing with so many storms and responsibilities that I haven't allowed myself a wonderful.  I've let excuses and reasons stop me...

For the past 6 months I have been riding out the storm telling everyone "February will tell me what will happen next." Which translates too-I'm avoiding life and not allowing myself wonderful because this way is a whole lot easier. On Thursday I had another echo-cardiogram.  (Since I knew what my problem was this time the technician was able to point out things and I got to see what was going on with my heart. Which was really cool.)

I've been pretty good about this whole thing.  I'll admit that.  But I am also confident in admitting that I am FREAKING OUT!!!

My 6 months are up.  This whole time I've been avoiding decisions and putting off really thinking about the rest of my life.

On Wednesday I have my follow up appointment.  This one will tell me if I'm staying in Utah, at the same school, doing the same thing until it is time to be cut open.  OR it will tell me I can go on a different adventure, go off to a different city, start fresh and new, and do something different until it is time to be cut open.

I am getting antsy.

Everything I see reminds me of the two different options that are now right in front of my face.  The end of Friends when Rachel is planning on going off to Paris and starting a new job there. All of her excitement and outlook is contagious.
Spending time with all of my friends, loved ones, and their families, thinking about staying and watching all of their babies continue to learn and grow.

Neither option is completely perfect.

Both requires a sacrifice of sorts.  Both have positive, happy parts.  Both require a lot of faith.  Both are bittersweet.

So today I decided to do something different with my hair (if anyone has any ideas, I'm open to them).   I also am looking at possibilities of places to visit.  I am procrastinating work.  Avoiding life....Needless to say my Deadline is nearing and I am.Freaking.Out.

Wednesday will determine the next path I'm heading down.
Wednesday. The day after Tuesday.
Wednesday.

Wednesday.