My Time in Zion (The beginning of the story)

    From July 5-18th my parents and I camped in Nauvoo to help put on 2 outdoor musicals.  I've blogged before about the City of Joseph.  Nauvoo has always had, and will continue to have, a special place in my heart.  This summer's experiences have just entrenched those feelings more and more into my soul, and who I am as a person.

   There is so much to write about and gush about as far as my time goes that I could probably write a book.  That being said, I have decided to write more than one post about it all.  I haven't really decided on a number yet but I hope that as I share these special feelings with the cyberworld that I will be able to convey truly what the spirit of Nauvoo, IL has done for me.

  A little bit of background information....The City of Joseph was an outdoor musical that ran for almost 30 years.  Here's my blog entry from before on a little history of the City of Joseph and what it means to me.  When it was announced that it was being discontinued, for many of us, it felt like something inside of us was dying.  I bawled my eyes out that very last night of our performance as we stood on stage and with the audience sang "God Be With You Til We Meet Again."  It was sad, it was heartwrenching, and life continued.  We went back the next year to check out "the new pageant" and there was some (ok ALOT) of bias on my end.  I couldn't get past everything this new pageant wasn't.  I couldn't look at what all it WAS.  And it definitely WASN'T the City of Joseph.

  And it wasn't supposed to be.

  I am a believer that things happen for a reason and the timing is never a coincidence.  The City of Joseph did a lot of good for it's run.   Something that was said often during the Nauvoo and British Pageants was the phrase "stand on the shoulders of those before you."  The City of Joseph built the foundation for the Nauvoo Pageant to stand and grow on its shoulders. The Nauvoo Pageant: A Tribute to Joseph Smith came at the time Nauvoo and the community needed it.

 Last summer, when we were back in Nauvoo for a City of Joseph Reunion, was the first summer of a new pageant.  The British Pageant.  I was intrigued, and not biased, and didn't have any grudges against it, and I LOVED it.  It moved at a pace that felt a lot like City of Joseph.  It had so many different stories and different things going on. It gave history and background, it shared the Restoration, it shared the gospel, and you could feel why the British Saints left all they knew to come to Zion.  I wanted to be a part of it. For the first time in a long time, I longed to be onstage again.  Thankfully, my parents were experiencing similar feelings and decided to apply and see what happens.  I am the only one of my siblings that does not have a significant other, or children, or something that's keeping me anywhere and I got put on the application too.  Long story short, we were accepted and plans started being made for 2 weeks in Nauvoo.

  If you've read previous entries, to say that this past school year was a little rough would be an understatement.  Often times I would catch myself dreading going to Nauvoo.  I just wanted a summer full of relaxing.  Or a summer by myself. OR OR OR other things that were pretty focused on myself.  Thankfully, I didn't bail and I was exactly where I needed to be for those 2 weeks in July this summer.

The Lord is so aware of us and knowledgeable of our needs.  He loves us so much that He won't just hand things to us.  We learn and grow as we discover and understand all things temporal and spiritual.  I am grateful that I am reminded of this daily and am (slowly) accepting His will and His timing as my own.

 Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a living modern day Apostle, took his family on vacation and brought them to Nauvoo while we were there.  We had the opportunity to have him speak to us in the cast the night of our first official performance.  He said a lot of things that have stuck with me, but the best thing was that he put into words what I had been feeling since I was 10 years old.  He commented on how for the early Saints, Nauvoo was the brightest spot in their history.  It was the closest they had gotten to living a perfect Zion society.  And we, for this brief amount of time, have the opportunity to recreate that feeling of Zion.

BOOM! Mic drop.  That's it!  Nauvoo in and of itself has a special spirit and feeling that you cannot help but experience.  But performing in these pageants, working toward the same goal, instantly loving and feeling like family to complete strangers, bearing your testimony in such a unique way, LOVING unconditionally all you come in contact with and being willing to do anything to help them and support them in anyway you can, THAT is Zion.

Yes, I have felt blips of that throughout my life, especially on my mission.  BUT not close to that magnitude.  One of the families that was there that had participated in the new pageants for many years shared that their family refers to Nauvoo as "Zion's Camp." And that's exactly what it was.  The challenge now, share that light and those feelings with everyone you come into contact with and recreate Zion wherever you go.  It is possible.  And I'm ready for that challenge.

The Amazing Blue Cast-The family cast we were definitely supposed to be a part of as we went on this adventure.

The End, and The Beginning

It is that time of year again.

The time when all of the kids in school start getting really excited about not being in school.

The time when all of the parents start preparing for the summer adventures (or list of chores) that will be ready for their kids.

The time when all teachers are hoping and praying they've done the best they could and just have to leave the rest to the future of the students.

The time of year when memories are thought about, laughed about, cleaned out of lockers, and a few more are made.

The time of year when the spring rains clear out the winter weather and get us all ready for the summer sun.

The time of year when we are all ready for a change of pace and surroundings.

The time of year when we remember the past year (the good and the bad), try to live in the moment, and look forward to the future.

   I am exhausted.  It's a weird kind of exhaustion though.  I can still function and be "normal"  but I am definitely going through the motions.  This school year has been full of ups and downs, lefts and rights, zigzags and stand stills.  And that's not a bad thing.  It's just, exhausting.  I have been working on figuring out a few things in my life and my principal gave me some amazing advice:

"Sleep!  You are exhausted, you're body is tired, you've been through a lot.  Do not make important decisions when you are recovering from the school year and surgery.  Give it a little bit and then revisit it"

  I have a very hard time showing vulnerability and admitting weakness.  My whole life I have felt people look to me to always be there and be in control.  Often times I've been described with words like "dependable, responsible, on-top-of-everything"  which is completely fine.  To be honest, I recognize that it's part of my personality.  I like knowing what is going on and knowing what is coming.  Part of the reason why this year has been exhausting is because I've been facing that and working with being ok with just letting go.

  So when my principal said that to me I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me.  I didn't have to stress about my life decisions anytime soon.  There is no rush and no deadline in the near future.  And after talking to some really good friends I am still a little scared (a lot of scared) for what is in store for me and whether or not it's the appropriate time for a few things any point soon.  

  As I've been looking at my options I've been focusing on 2 of them and neither one of them have felt completely right.  I feel that there may be another one that hasn't presented itself yet and it makes me nervous, anxious, excited, and ready.  

   With all that going on in my brain,  The end of the year is here.  And I'm (you guessed it) exhausted.

BUT 

I am also excited.

Excited to catch up on true rest.

Excited to just read some books for fun without feeling guilty.

Excited to be able to serve others a little bit more.

Excited for the adventures that are coming this summer.

Excited to work on my faith.

Excited to grow and build some friendships and connections.

Excited for a road trip(anyone up for one in June?)

Excited for being able to feel like ME again.

That being said, I have 2 theme songs all ready for the summer.  One I feel is the perfect ending to this post.  Describing how I'm ready to take the jump, the leap, and love whatever comes my way.

(You should look up the other music video of this one, it's weird and funny and I like it)

And oh...here's my other Summer anthem.  

Because who doesn't love a song that just makes you want to dance.

Here's to summer, sunglasses, tans, and all sorts of adventures, to the end, and to the beginning.

Just say Geronimo, jump, Shut UP! and oh dance :)

Nearing the Deadline

I was watching Steel Magnolias today while I was grading.  Toward the beginning Julia Roberts' character said something that hit me pretty strongly:

That was it.  That is what I have been afraid to let happen.  But I have been putting off the possibility of those thirty minutes. I have been dealing with so many storms and responsibilities that I haven't allowed myself a wonderful.  I've let excuses and reasons stop me...

For the past 6 months I have been riding out the storm telling everyone "February will tell me what will happen next." Which translates too-I'm avoiding life and not allowing myself wonderful because this way is a whole lot easier. On Thursday I had another echo-cardiogram.  (Since I knew what my problem was this time the technician was able to point out things and I got to see what was going on with my heart. Which was really cool.)

I've been pretty good about this whole thing.  I'll admit that.  But I am also confident in admitting that I am FREAKING OUT!!!

My 6 months are up.  This whole time I've been avoiding decisions and putting off really thinking about the rest of my life.

On Wednesday I have my follow up appointment.  This one will tell me if I'm staying in Utah, at the same school, doing the same thing until it is time to be cut open.  OR it will tell me I can go on a different adventure, go off to a different city, start fresh and new, and do something different until it is time to be cut open.

I am getting antsy.

Everything I see reminds me of the two different options that are now right in front of my face.  The end of Friends when Rachel is planning on going off to Paris and starting a new job there. All of her excitement and outlook is contagious.
Spending time with all of my friends, loved ones, and their families, thinking about staying and watching all of their babies continue to learn and grow.

Neither option is completely perfect.

Both requires a sacrifice of sorts.  Both have positive, happy parts.  Both require a lot of faith.  Both are bittersweet.

So today I decided to do something different with my hair (if anyone has any ideas, I'm open to them).   I also am looking at possibilities of places to visit.  I am procrastinating work.  Avoiding life....Needless to say my Deadline is nearing and I am.Freaking.Out.

Wednesday will determine the next path I'm heading down.
Wednesday. The day after Tuesday.
Wednesday.

Wednesday.

It's a Miracle

    6 years ago I had the opportunity to witness my nephew join this amazing world.  8 years ago I got to be in the hospital when my sister's first son blessed us with his presence.  I didn't have a blog then so I couldn't share my thoughts about it.

I still remember.

My sister Megan is 6 years older than I am.  She's my older sister and I'm thankful for the relationship that we have been able to nourish and grow over the years.   I came out to BYU for college in 2006 and she was pregnant with her 1st.  I hadn't seen her in a while and I remember thinking "Woah, she's REALLY pregnant"  (I've always been such a nice little sister lol)  I had 4 other nieces and nephews so this wasn't my first but this was MEGAN.  It was her first.  And none of our other family members were going to be around when he was born.  It was in October, I was "studying" aka hanging out in my dorm room procrastinating, and the phone rang.  It was Ollie calmly asking if I wanted to go for a ride to the hospital.  I put all of my stuff in my backpack and ran across the street to their apartment.  Megan was wearing one of the jumpers from sister Casey (they know what I'm talking about) and she had her green flipflops on...the ONLY reason I remember that was because it was snowing outside(yes in October) and as she was shuffling to the car (because apparently it's hard to walk when you are 9 months pregnant and having contractions) I was scared to death that she was going to slip and fall. The next thing I know we are at the hospital and the staff is taking their sweet little time checking her in (since "it's her first" which is supposed to mean that it will take forever).  I was getting nervous and nervous because I could see how much pain Megan was in and they weren't doing anything about it!  They FINALLY took her to the delivery room.  I unloaded all the bags and stuff I was carrying.  As I tried to walk out there was a flourish of activity (because apparently she was farther along than they thought--HA!) so I went and curled up in a chair with my homework and waited for what seemed like FOREVER until Oliver finally came and found me...and I got to meet Evan Ray.


Fast forward 2 years.  Megan was a week late so it was decided to induce her.  Oliver and I were both in school and it happened to be a time when we had finals or midterms or something.  The day they decided to induce her was a reading day.  We piled into the car in the morning and headed to the hospital.  Meg had invited me to be in the room when the baby was born so I was pretty nervous excited.  I remember telling my friends that I was going to be in the room and most of them thought I was weird or thought it was gross that I wanted to be in the room for it.  I remember being jealous of Megan because she got to be there for my niece Alexia's birth and my older siblings had witnessed the birth of some of us younger ones.  I felt that I was missing out on an experience...needless to say I was excited.  That day kind of dragged on.  Oliver and I tried to study and entertain Megan because things were not happening at the pace that all of us wanted.  I remember them teaching me some card game, I think it was spite and malice...anyway...after a while and making some decisions with the doctor it was time.  I sat on the windowsill, out of the way, but still very much aware of what was going on in the room....And then I witnessed what I can only describe as the most spiritual, horrific, closest to heaven experience I've ever witnessed in my life.  Tears sprang to my eyes as I watched my sister use all of her strength and effort to bring a new spirit into the world.  And she did it! She was amazing! And wonderful and I'm so so so proud of her.


Fast forward 6 years.  The closer we got to the due date the more anxious we all got.  And this time Megan wasn't right across the street or 5 minutes away.  I was driving home from a basketball game and decided to check in.  So I call Megan and she answered kind of breathless (I recognized that tone of voice and got a little excited)  and she said that she was just sending us all a message to update us.  In that instant I had the thought "I should drive up there right now" but then I doubted that and told myself that they hadn't gone to the hospital yet and who knows how long it would be and I had school the next day...yadda yadda yadda.   I'm sad I didn't listen to my guy instinct.  So I drove home, went to FHE, and then 3 hours later got the picture of my sister holding a newborn baby boy.  :)

The very next day you better believe I was driving up to Toelle to be with my new nephew.  This was the first of Megan's babies that I wasn't at the hospital for.  Not that she needed me any of those times, but I liked being there.  I liked being her connection to home.  And that may or may not have influenced my amount of spoiling this baby boy :)

I made it to the hospital and still got to be with him when he was less than 24 hours old.  And still got to be amazed by my big sister Megan.  I know she is trying to do the best she can to raise 3 boys in this fun world.  And I am excited to watch them as they continue to grow and explore and experience all this world has to offer.

Welcome to the world Scott Griffith Hansen.   You've come to a great family and you've already blessed us in more ways than I can count.

Time to Fill a Blank Year!

                Once upon a time, I was looking around on Pinterest and discovered this article:

                 http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/how-to-de-clutter-your-entire-life#.itDPpw42z

      

         I can't lie 2014 was definitely not on "My Top 5 Years in Life" but I also know that I didn't decide to make it that way either.  Sure there were good things. I finally got a passport and left the United States for the first time ever.  I went on an awesome cruise, spent 2 weeks in Costa Rica with my mom, bought a car that I wanted instead of what was convenient, grew in my testimony in the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, finally worked on some Family History and was able to do temple work for one of my ancestors, just to name a few things.  There were some difficult times as well (see many previous posts about my health lol) FINALLY getting back to the real me after a pretty intense "world rocking" experience-yes that is a good thing but it was very very hard, finding out that my bill of health isn't getting bigger but longer, dealing with mild depression, working through some personal issues that may have been easier to leave untouched, questioning what I was doing with my life and if I was where I needed to be, realizing I can't say no because I hate letting people down....and that list goes on and on.

Needless to say I am ok with a fresh new year.  As I was reading through the article of how to "De-Clutter" your life sure some things applied to me and some things didn't, BUT I was getting excited about starting a clean year.  And this time I am going to make it one of the "Top 5" Because I am choosing to.  No one and no circumstances is going to rob me of memories and happiness in 2015.  I will probably continue to learn and grow but I'm done being passive.  That is not me and it's not my personality.  2015 is the year I live MY life.

One of the ways I plan on doing that is being organized.  I put together a binder.

  I saw a lot on Pinterest that gave me ideas (I can give you those sites if you are interested) and those were mostly for families, I took them and adapted them to fit me.  With my budget and finances, health, travel plans, future wants, and a few other things.  I'm pretty excited to see how long it will last and if it will help.

I'm also going to work on a better productive spiritual me and mental me.  One way I'm going to do that is, to start off, have a weekly "Service Ninja" moment where I sneakily provide service once a week.  Towards the end of 2014 I have gotten back to my grateful Journal.  To help me not feel so overwhelmed, every Sunday I take some time to write down what things I'm grateful for throughout the whole week.  I plan on reading fun books more.  

And of course there's the physical healthy me...I finally made an appointment with a knee doctor.  I have used that as an excuse for a really long time. Time to get rid of excuses and get to work.  It may be difficult but vale la pena (It's worth it).   

So many plans, but that's it.  A better healthier me realizes that I can't just make a bunch of plans or goals, I need to start out small.  A few DOABLE things at a time.  

Happy New Year! 

And may you have a great refreshing year and it makes it to your "Top 5" as well.

My Day with Katherine Altringer

    I have mentioned once or twice before about The Plan of Salvation.  The Plan of Salvation is the Truth the drives me and all of my decisions and actions in my life.  It is the knowledge that we lived before we came to this Earth, we are here on for a purpose, to gain experiences and choose to follow Heavenly Father through the Gospel of Jesus Christ and all of the restored Truths, and then we will live again AFTER this life.  We will all be resurrected and receive the glory that we want and have earned.  And we have this whoollleee life to make choices, live with the consequences, repent, and learn from it all.  That being said:

        I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.   We believe in this Truth of the Plan of Salvation.  We believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  One has faith, which leads to repentance, and then one feels the desire to be baptized by immersion with someone who has the proper authority, and then you receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost, the last part of the Gospel is the most important part: Endure to the End through continual repentance and participating in other important ordinances and covenants with Heavenly Father.
    So that's all great and good,  but what about those people that lived on this Earth that didn't have the chance to participate in those saving ordinances OR the ones that didn't even know that Christ existed OR the ones that weren't given the opportunity to learn and follow the Gospel of Jesus Christ?  If Heavenly Father is a fair and just God wouldn't He have to hold everyone to the same standard?  Part of Christ's mission when He came to the Earth, besides the Atonement was mentioned in 1 Peter 4:6  For for this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.

1 Peter 3:19 talks about how Christ preached to the Spirits in Spirit Prison between His death and resurrection.  

So if Christ set up missionary work in the afterlife, how will those people that have passed on, that have decided to accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ, receive those savings ordinances? Enter the concept of vicarious work for the dead.  This was something that the ancient church participated in (1 Corinthians 15:29) When the Gospel of Jesus Christ was restored in it's entirety the culminating part of it, was restoring the practice of vicarious work for the dead.

 That is part of the reason why family history is such a big deal to myself and other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I want to give my ancestors and those who have been here before me, a chance and opportunity to accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ and have those savings ordinances.  Just because I do the work for them does not mean that they are stuck there, THEY get to choose.  I'm just providing them that opportunity.

  Not only that, by participating in these ordinances for and in behalf of others, I am reminded constantly of the ordinances and covenants that I personally have taken part in.  It helps me endure to the end and in turn provides an opportunity for others to do so who may not otherwise have had that chance.

  Where does this all take place?

In the temple, the House of the Lord.  

  A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to look and look and look and find someone that needed her work done.  It didn't take long before I found her: My Grandpa's Great-great Grandma, Katherine Altringer.  She was born in 1826 in Germany.  That's really all we know about her,  She died sometime before 1900.
   BUT I did find a lot about her husband.  There were many different records about his name Mathias Vs Mathew Strehlan vs Strelen vs Strehlen.  It was quite the headache.  He was born in Germany and immigrated here so that brought a lot of the different changes.  As I was researching Ancestry.com popped up with hints and possibilities.  There was a copy of the Civil War Draft which was neat.  Another census record showed that they immigrated in 1952...and then...there it was!  His birth and christening records from Germany with his parents names and his exact birth date.  So I put that in and turns out his work has already been done, since 1983!
   It was time, time for Katherine to have a chance to receive these sacred ordinances.  And then my sister and brother-in-law can take her and Mathias to the temple and they can be sealed for time and all eternity, and we can seal my great-great grandma to her parents and we can continue to link our family together.

This weekend has been Fall Break.  On Friday I woke up early (early for a day off) and spent the morning in the temple with my great-great-great Grandma.

Her work is not completely done, we need to find her parents and make sure we get all of her children sealed to her.  BUT she has been baptized, confirmed, and other sacred ordinances.  It was the first time I had found someone myself and done their work.  It was special and a rush.  I'm excited to keep going and keep finding and connecting my family.  I think I've found Mathias' parents and if I'm right, his dad was born in 1797.  Also if that document was correct it also said that Katherine and Mathias lived in Idenheim, Rhineland, Prussia in 1850.  SO COOL.  The history geek in me is loving this stuff and finding the personal story of those individuals that lived so long ago.

Yeah for family and the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and the ability to have answers that make sense and feel right.  Yeah for the Plan of Salvation and the purpose that it gives my life and the answers that it provides me for what life throws at me.  And the best part is, it's not just for me, it is for everyone.

Embracing the Storm

      When I was younger storms scared me.  Literally. On the outside I always tried to make it seem like I was super calm and collected, but really I was super anxious and all I wanted to do was curl up, on the huge bunk bed my dad made for us girls, and hide.  I was that way for a long time...until 4th grade.  I remember being at school and the tornado sirens went off.  Being from the Midwest every 1st Tuesday of every month we had tornado drills.  The tornado sirens would go off and we would all have to get under our desks...well this occasion in 4th grade was a little different.  This time as I looked out the window I saw the sky turn green.  I knew what was coming and then...WWRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHH (That's the tornado siren, if you've ever experienced one then you can attest to the likeliness of it :) We all had to get under our desks and it wasn't the first Tuesday of the month.  I wasn't anywhere near my big awesome safe indestructible feeling bunk bed.  I couldn't just run home to our underground house that makes you feel safe from tornadoes.

See....who wouldn't feel safe from the storm here?

    So as I faced my fears...stuck under this desk with my 4th grade brain going a mile a minute about what happened if a tornado hit and where the rest of my family was and how I was going to get home, and, and, and, and....(I guess I've always be a little over-thinky)  The siren stopped, they let us go home and I survived.  That same weekend (I think) there was another storm and I was home.  There were 2 reported tornadoes close to my house.  Surviving the thing at school gave me a little more courage and since I was at home, my safe place, and I could run back inside if I got too scared.  And as I faced my fear, as I stood out trying to catch a glimpse of the 2 funnel clouds, which happened with the silhouette of them lit up by lightning, and feeling the wind rush past me, and listening to the rain on the roof of our patio, I came to appreciate the beauty of  the storm.  From then on, whenever a big storm would come up I would find excuses to run out in the downpour buckets and buckets of rain. I would sit out on the porch and watch the lightning.  To this day I love storms.

    I find it ironic that I named the last post "A Storm Brewing Inside" and it was full of so many unknowns and my anxiety.

   I am grateful for everyone who has reached out to me after that last post.  And since then, I have been trying hard to find the beauty in this storm.

  I don't live in Illinois anymore and I don't have my underground house as my safe place.  But as I've gone through the storms of my life I have come to have a relationship with my loving Heavenly Father and I have a new safe house...1 of many:

  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is my safe place.  The House of the Lord, The Temple.  I can go into any of them and feel of the spirit and recharge my batteries.  I can go into them and meditate and study and focus on Heavenly Father and His Plan of Salvation.

   A few weeks ago I went to the temple, it was raining. Inside I studied courage.  That's what I've been missing.  That's what I need to get through this next year and the choices that lay ahead of me.  All the scriptures I found didn't say anything about praying to have courage. It just said Be of good courage.  Have courage.  Do it (one literally said be of good courage "do it").

   

   I have been learning a lot about myself.  I am taking this time to work on me.  And not be overwhelmed.  I have been taking it slower than normal.  Trying to prioritize.  I had an "ah-ha" moment the other day.  Long story short, I was in a pretty serious relationship and it ended with no explanation whatsoever.  Now after more than a year I realized that because I have no real explanation, I am blaming myself.  I am blaming myself for losing that glimpse of happiness I had and it kills me that I feel like it's my fault I don't have...well life could be different.  And who knows if it was or wasn't my fault...and I doubt I will ever know.

   As I was realizing this I came to an even bigger realization...I take responsibility for things going wrong.  When I hear about something going wrong or bad and I feel like I had some control over it, I take personal responsibility for it.  I beat myself up about.  I feel guilty.  I take a personal shot at myself...right in the gut.  That's why I said yes to tennis...It would've eaten away at me if it had to be canceled because no one stepped up to coach. 

THAT'S NOT HEALTHY!!!!!

   That is just one example of things I've learned.  And I'm working on them.  Along with being myself and never letting anyone demean me. Or make me feel bad for being me.  

Life is still stormy.  I'm slowly making my way through it.  I have decided that I could wallow and stumble my way through this storm inside me...Or I can find the beauty in it.  I plan on taking down my umbrella and let it rain on me.